**I'm sorry Michael I need to ask this question everytime you get drunk & we talk you can never remember the next day so I can't get my answer from you.**
My significant other reads my questions & this one is about him, I want to help him with his problems but I can't, he has a drinking problem which he has admitted to me when he's drunk but when he's sober he denies the whole thing & doesn't remember anything the next day, it's breaking my heart.
last night after work we went out for dinner, he hadn't had anything to drink for 3 weeks, he had a few to drink before we went out for dinner which made him a tipsy & he then had more to drink by the time we went home he was completely intoxicated while we were walking I was holding his hand & talking he lashed out & squeezed my hand & nearly broke it this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened he is violent when drunk & I'm scared for my safety I suggested alcoholics anonymous but he says he doesn't have a problem last night I was seriously considering suicide, I think I have depression and his behaviour does not help. The simple answer is; he does not have a problem (until he says he does)
I strongly advise you to find the nearest alanon meetings and attend regularly. You will find ways to deal with what's going on inside of you about him,....things like"you are not a doormat, even though he treats you like one" and, "he is definitely not worth taking your own life over".
If you wish to be really sneaky-then the next time he gets absolutely potted and actually admits to having a problem, get him into a alcohol rehab that very night!
you are seeing the reality of alcoholism,...the duality of personality, the lying, justifying, rationalizing, wheedling, and manipulation. I sense that you love the bloke when he is sober, but absolutely hate what he becomes when he is drunk. One of two things will happen in short order, either he will wake up and sober up, or you will leave him to save your own sanity. (there is a third thing that could happen, but it's neither pretty nor good----one of you may end up dead).
you can use the alcoholics anonymous link to find possible alanon meetings for yourself, and AA meetings for him if he chooses to wise up. There really isn't a simple solution. Some advice I can give is, when he gets drunk, leave him alone. Let him drink! Let him have his time to be stinking drunk, and just don't pester him about it (if you do). Don't even mention it. Guy have to get stuff out of their system sometimes. Also, there may be things he is not telling you -- feelings he has that he does not express to you -- that lead him to drink. As far as your depression, make sure you are getting the nutrition you need. Speak with an alternative doctor about getting all you VITAMINS, AMINO ACIDS, OMEGA OIL, MINERALS, and please try St. Johns Wort. It is a natural prozac and it works wonders -- it is a seratonin reuptake inhibitor. Try to get your man to take the vitamin supplements too. You will feel better. Also try to exercise even if its just 5 mintues a day. Stop spending all day on Yahoo! Answers and get some sunshine. Have a sober fight where you 2 get all your aggression and anger and nasty words about how to really feel out, and THEN have a coulpe of beers together! You will find yourselves laughing! Ask him to drink HIGH QUALITY liquers. Cheap booze can make you act retarded. Buy him a nice big bottle of XO Brandy if you want him to be in a good mood. Everything i am saying here is true so don't dismiss it unless you didn't really want any actual help or advice. Hope you've enjoyed my advice, I signed up just to give it to you. Good luck. babe i lived with a guy who was using drugs and got more and more violent over months, months became a year which i received at least five lovely bunches of flowers the following year ten bunches of flowers and also ten beatings, which he also never had any control over and blamed drugs and drink...
i tried to help him and paid fifty pound a session for life coaching pherapy and hynotisim for cocaine addiction. one day decided to leave my buisness early to meet him after his session with councilor only to find he was not there never been there once even, drove round the road and saw his car outside his mates house who he use to sniff coke with...,..
i got another bunch of flowerrs next day after another beating cause i dis trusted him and caught him out. to cut a story shoty after four years of being down trodden and losing my buisness mates and nearly family plus dignity an self esteme i left him and fled to a domestic violebnce refuge where to my shock there was nine other girls with similar story
the next flowers i would of received would of been at my funeral please take care of you because i am ok i have rebuilt my life single big dog lovely flat all of my old pals back plus new one as new area but most importantly i am alive. one in four women who are murdered is through domestic violence and the perpreator is usually under influence of booze or drugs or worse both
sorry if it seems a strong response but i remember feeling and saying exactly the same as you did.....how can i help him....truth is you cant cause he prob will never change.. please keep this reply and reads it again if things carry on babes lola t xxxx First you need to get help, when you get that then you can get help for him. there are many programs for you to join that will help you get him help. One being AA here is a link for a online reading
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_inform...
read this and i hope it hepls. look to your closest friends and family for support Good luck God bless Go to Al-Anon, it's a support group for family members of alcoholics. You can't make him get help, but you can help yourself!!
Please, please, if you are worried for your safety then you need to find a safe place to be when he starts drinking.
Don't wait for him to get drunk. You already know that the second he starts drinking, he won't stop till he passes out. An addict / alcoholic needs to WANT to get help. You can't do it for them. The very best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. If this situation is not healthy for you, then it's you who has to make some decisions about where you want your life to go. I'm not saying you can't love him - I'm saying you can't support his behaviors. This is called enabling and that's exactly what you're doing by sticking around. An addict needs concequences to their actions and by staying with him, you're not providing him with any concequences. I hate to give you this cold, hard truth, but it's true.
Just do what you can for YOU. He has to do what's right for him......you need to separate yourself. AA is nothing more than a religion concerned with "Carrying the message" and proseletizing. AA has the same success rate as those who quit on their own. AA also has a high mortatality rate. Even in AA the people who really do not want help will not get it and I would be much more comfortable if you had a church you both attend and have him to start attending it and talking with the pastor because AA admits it is a copy of Christianity and the methods they claim works is devoting oneself to god as we understand him. so your husband will be much better off in your own church.
However, most people will not admit they have a problem until they are fed up with it themselves. I did not think I had a problem either because after all I could go days, weeks, months and years without drinking so in my mind that proved I was not an alcoholic.
I suggest you leave and get away as fast as possible. that is how some wives end up dead. However if you just are determined to stay which I fear for your life, try to record his behaviour especially by video and play it for him when he sobers up, but again you admit you are afraid, he will not admit he has a problem, he is violent, so get out as quick as you can and do not look back, he is not woth risking your life.
If he really loved you he would just simply stop drinking. Especially if he really does not have a problem, but the fact he is violent and he cannt remember is warning sings you could be a statistic.
Anytime he starts drinking leave and call the cops but you really need to get away from him until he decides he no longer wants to drink.
Edit; Please do not go to al anon. It is AA for the family which will tell you you are powerless and will try to get you to feel like you are responsible. You are not responsible for him drinking or ahything he does whil drunk. You are however enabling him like the lady just above my answer said. Get out and never return. He does need concequences.
Edit: After reading the other responses I really am fearfull for your life. Alonon will only make you feel even more guilty. The problem with A and Alonon is they preach powerlesness, it is a diseas which it is not and that only god can give you only a mere daily reprieve dependant on obeying the group, working the program which is another way of saying obey your sponsor. Just leave and forget about him if he cannot see he has a problem he is not worht it. Besides you have already taken your life in your hands by asking this knowing he reads your questions. You may want to bloke him from accessing your Q&A. this is a read light suggesting he is very nmuch a control freak who needs to watch your every move, GET OUT FAST AND GET HELP. REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE.
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Edit You really need to get out. Suicidal thoughts will only grow stronger staying with him. You do need to get help for this. You also need to be safe. I never attended Alonon but those who have say it is exactly like AA in that they bring you down not build you up. the reason AA has such a high suicide rate is they have a huge anti medication faction and some sponsors refuse to let their people take medication for depression. I hear Alonon does the same. AA and other 12 step programs tell you how worthless you are so you do not need that kind of hel if you are depressed. The best thing you can do is leave this man and get help for your depression. Getting help does not include Alonon if any therapist suggest alon fire them and get another. A suicidal person does not need to be told how worthless and powerless they are.
YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS AND NEITHER IS HE. You need to leave.
If this man does not love you enough to admit he has a problem and go to rehab or AA, you should leave.
You are obviously a loving and caring woman and you need to start caring about yourself. You deserve better than him.
If he becomes sober, you can always try to rekindle, but I'd wait and see if you can trust him to be sober.
Just go. You should never stay with a man who has physically hurt you, ever.
You are better than this, and you deserve better than this! |
