Vaginismus?

Can someone give me som insight on this matter:
1- I have been married for the past 3 years, but yet I have not penetrated my wife as of today, she is a virgin. To help her with my frustration of not being able to penetrate her and have intercourse. I have had advised her to see a sex therapist. The therapist claimed that she is suffering with vaginismus. She was given the task to buy the vaginismus kit that they are selling on the internet, which is a set of many different size dilators pack with some lubes, a book and a video. After a year of non action towards the sex issue she went and get it.
2- My problem is that my wife had never seen a gyn never in her life but last april she went to see one. According to my wife the doctor told her that she has the smallest vagina but the smallest speculum was used on her. Can someone here explain to me how come she was able to let the frickin speculum penetrating her without any pain and when my penis was approaching her vagina, the pain shows up. Is she still a virgin? I am confused .

Contrary to what others have written, getting drunk will NOT help, but dilators probably WILL.

I (along with my patient husband) suffered with vaginismus for 9 1/2 years of marriage. It's not fun.

I'm surprised that a gynecologist was able to perform an internal exam. I never had one before my vaginismus was resolved, and to this day, an internal exam is an emotionally traumatic event for me. You should also know that the diameter of a closed speculum is a LOT smaller than your diameter.

She sounds a little like me - she's not actively trying to overcome her vaginismus, she's still in the phase "one day this will just go away on it's own."

You need to encourage her to work with those dilators. She should only work with the first one, the bigger ones are intimidating at this stage. (I would advise putting the others away so she can't see them) When she can get #1 comfortably in, without effort, she's ready for the next one, and so on. Dilators are not a quick fix either - you have to work at it.

Tell her there are yahoo groups on primary vaginismus and vaginismus that she can join for support. She is not alone in her disorder, although it sure feels like you're the only one in the world.

I wish you the best of luck... and yes, she's still a virgin :)

vaginismus is an emotional problem that manifests as a physical one. She has anxiety about intercourse for some reason and cannot relax. Her vagina tightens up involuntarily (vaginismus) when she is stressed. I don't think dilators and lube would help. I think that she needs to find a sex therapist or a psychiatrist to find out what is going on.

I, too, am very very small and tight down there and need the smallest speculum. I have a fantastic sex life and I have three children (albeit via C-section). That has absolutely nothing to do with her problem.

Sounds like she's scared. She was relaxed with the doctor, not tense and anticipating pain. Sex is different. You also need to relax her.
Use a romantic date to your advantage. NOT making sex the ultimate goal. Talk to her and listen, come home and do some massage. Let her control the night as much as possible.
Later, start by just kissing. Keep your hands off her until she's comfortable with you touching her SLOWLY. Kiss, caress, lick, etc. being sure she's enjoying herself. Tell her then what you are going to do. Start as kids do in high school. One finger, until she's comfortable enough to move to two. When she seems to really be enjoying herself, get lubed up, tell her to relax, and not to be tense. Then give the deed a shot.
If it doesn't work, if she's still tensing up, that's okay. Take a shower big guy, and don't give up on her. If you actually made it to the point of "almost intercourse", that's a huge step for her. It's baby steps all the way to the bank. She needs to allow herself to feel pleasure, which can be hard for some people. Perhaps she's had something traumatic happen to her, and if so you need to know about it. Get her to open up, and relieve herself of the burden of carrying her fear alone.
Good Luck to the both of you.

get her drunk,have your way