Am i allowing myself to be controlled ?

my mum is telling me , even though i dont like where im living/staying, that i should stay for now and engage with psychotherapy within view to going at a later stage- shes says im not ready now, that i would just take my problems whereever i go.

this is what we discussed last night and i ended up agreeing and coming to agreeing with her logic.

problem is im 30 years old, had a hard life, i feel like ive been controlled half of it my domineering, over protective parents...ive suffered severe bullying, assaults...sexual abuse as a kid and victimization throughout my life.....ive never made any friends, never had a parter...i have bpd and ptsd.

i just want to leave britain go far away and start my life a new, find happiness, normalacy...a job..a wife a home all the things ive never had ever..and feel i should of accomplished by now, but have been deprived of.

i want to go back to europe or outside europe...leave britain.

right now i live in a small flat in the uk on welfare income

i dont live in the roughest area of britain, but there is antisocial gangs of youths...no hopers...bums and druggies and alchoholics.

ive lived like this all my life, since ive came to the uk at 7 years old and i desperatly want to leave.

where iam, people know my face...probally remember me from my aggressive rage outbursts in public that i did countless times in public.

people have treated me standoffish and aloof for sometime....and ive been britalized at the hands of others here in this country all my life it seems.

i wanna leave, but at the same time im frightened to go off alone...because i realize i lack the know how, im at disadvantages, with mental health problems.

i have a minor criminal history....no employment history etc...

Unfortunately, your mother has a point. You do seem to be troubled and if you leave, you could easily recreate the same circumstances in a new life that you have become all to familiar with. On the other hand, you are at an age where you don't need your mother to tell you how to live your life. You may have to be mature enough to admit she has a point while still acknowledging she needs to stop doing that. It's a double standard. OUCH.
Your desires are good and valid, but the real issue is how to go about it. Where do you begin? Have you started counseling? Can you get a prescription for anti-depressants? You need anti-depressants. You need time to restore your sense of self (worth) and to find your own initiative. It just doesn't have to be a sense of anger over your difficult family experience.
You need to find an initiative that is not reactionary or defensive. That may take some time. As long as you continue to struggle with anger and resentment, you are still playing the role your disfunctional family has designed for you. It sounds all too much like a victim. This is not the initiative I want for you. As long as you play this game, you are trapped. It is a vicious cycle.
What skills do you have? Do you have a job? Do you dream? Do you have goals you would like to accomplish? You need to dream and to have a goal. Could you see yourself as a therapist for people like yourself? It's something. Right now, that is just the thing you need most. You need a plan, beyond just getting well. Once you're well, what do you do with yourself? Your mind needs to go there and figure something out. Who are you?
I was battered as a child. I had anxiety attacks, some kind of panic disorder. I was bipolar and I had to get over it. I started in the library and I learned words. I learned to know my feelings and to stop acting them out. To stop the vicious cycle. I learned other people felt like I do and I am not alone. I learned to stop reacting and to calm down. I've learned to be at peace. Now I want a job in this area. I could apply all that I have learned. I know it can be done.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. I've been there. I know it well. You need to learn to expect good things. Your negative expectations are your bondage. I found Jesus and I learned to rely on Him. I learned to trust again. It worked for me. I want something to work for you too. Then you can move away. You can move anywhere you want.
My prayers are with you. I want the best for you. I want you to be whole. If you are too contrary with your family, they will just fight back. Don't fight, learn to be neutral. Learn to be at peace. Someday, it will be all right. That is my prayer for you.
I hope this helps you.

Therpy might be a good start as long as you make it clear to the therpist that your goal is to release the past, take the lessons learn and focus on the future and creating new goals that are your own. I was 30 yrs old and my life had just begun. I moved and took all the life lessons I had learned, chose reinvent myself, to be the person I always wanted to be and started from there. Not to be reliegous or anything but there is one passage in the bible that always stood out to me. "When a village sees you as bad or treats you badly, walk to the gates, dust off your feet and never look back.! Good luck!

Sometimes others can see our problems better than us, and yes they can be controlling. Try to find a balance. Research and make a plan about where you want to go and what you want to do.

Well, my friend, as hard as it seems, all is not hopeless. Your mother is right that your problems will follow you wherever you go. They certainly will and it is better to stay where you are for now and learn what it is you need to do in order to move on with your life. When you have a better grasp of your mental issues you will then be able to take what you have learned with you and go wherever you want to go to start over. This is in preparation for this move you want so badly and it really is something you will benefit greatly from. Get all you can from your therapy because there will be times in the future you will draw from what you are learning now. Do not feel like you are in captivity. You are well on your way to total freedom. I am very excited for you in all of this for it will help you move closer to achieving your goals in life. This is actually good news. Keep up the good work, my friend!

Sweet soul brother, this is going to sound crazy and maybe it is but I truly believe that you should go away somewhere without planning and follow wherever you end up, scraping by as you go... like a hippie or a teenage runaway would carry only a backpack and some good hiking shoes. You would have to talk to strangers like truckers at the interstate station who will take you further and then you should find a boat ,a little boat, and set sail on the ocean. Then the coast guard will take you to alighthouse where you will wait for the next cruise ship upon which you will work for fare to europe and go to France where you belong and dont forget to email your friend lyour liberation from the social slavery of the place you are in and the power of your life being alll yours to make things happen. That's all just go and don't say goodbye to anyone and don't be afraid it will be beautiful and wild and filled with fun.