Is my life ruined ?

im 30, i have borderline personality disorder, live alone in a one bedroom flat with no carpets on the floor......no material posessions except an old computer.

ive suffered tremendously in my life..sexual abuse, bullying....assaults, head injuries...been accosted...bullied throughout secondary school....spent 19 months in a psychiatric hospital......have a criminal record for assault and cattying a knife years ago...because i lived in a rough area.

in my whole life i have never : been employed : never been in a relationship or had a partner . never passed any exams or gained qualifications. never made a single friend.

i live alone in my miserable isolated flat. my symptoms are : struggle to control aggression...used to have aggressive outbursts..lash out at people. my thoughts race everyday, can't hold a train of thought. have high anxiety which makes me stay in, avoid going out and isolating myself.

feel paranoid that others are singling me out and are against me

feel jealous bitter, and angry at other peoples lives and their happiness.

it mirrors everything i want, that i would like, that ive never had.

people say i have to do hard work, and that it all has to come from me
to get the life i want.
after everything ive been through, i dont want to work hard, dont want it all
to come from me.

my goals are to live in a quiet coastal village, in a cozy home, by the sea,
with a loving partner.
the village has to have a low population and the people that live there are
my age, or older.
im tired of living an isolated and lonely life, after all ive been through, i
feel like im owed this kind of a life.

part of me just wants to give up and live in a kind of home in an isolated
area, where all my responsibilities are taken care of, im being looked after.
and im around others.

the thought of struggling on alone through life, alone, to try and get the things
i want is to daunting prospect for me.

can anyone relate to this ?

Obviously you've been through an awful lot and I really do feel for you. I know what it is like to grow up abused, neglected and feeling like you have achieved nothing with your life. I can completely understand the bitterness, envy and jealousy of other people that you describe. There are times when it drives me to bitter anger that some people, like you suffer so badly, while others seem to have a blessed life where little ever goes wrong. Here's the thing though, life isn't fair. No one has ever pretended it is. Also, I have learnt over the years that the perfect lives other people seem to lead are often far from that if you ever see beneath the surface.

I get frustrated at times and want to just give up. I get fed up of trying and working to change things and just wish that I could be given the relativley simple things I want without having to suffer and struggle to get them. That isn't how life works though. IF you want something you have to work for it. I'm sorry that you've suffered but I think you need to realise that no one is going to just give you this life you want because of that. IF you want someone to share you're life with you have to get out there and find them. If you want a home by the beach (I'd love that too) well, you need to arrange that for yourself. Have you thought about doing an online course to get some qualifications for yourself? That might be a good start in turning your life around. Start by making small changes, nothing too big. Instead of focusing on that dream house, focus on the first step towards it. Whether that be sorting out some training which will hopefully lead you to a job or going to a dr and seeking help with your mental illnesses.

You don't need to achieve your dream overnight. Just take each small step at a time, take the time to appreciate your success and do things for yourself that make you feel better. There is no need for you life to be ruined but if you want better for yourself that is going to take hard work and it's completely unrealistic to think anything will improve without that.

i feel terribly sad for you but understand pity is probebly the last thing you will want. all i can say is i was sexually abused as a kid and i was bullied and put in hospital by the kids in school numerous times during a 7 year period. i sunk into depression and tried to end it all and i never had a partner or even kissed a guy. then when i was 21 i realised noone wasa going to change which way my life headed but me. the only person i could rely on was me. i enrolled in uni, got a degree and this year met my first bf who im still with. i never thought this would happen but it did...you have to make it happen though.

Hello. You obviously have a flair for language because you express yourself very well. Were you ever told this in school or by anyone who has read your work? Have you tried writing as a job or even as a pastime? Writing poetry or prose can be a cathartic experience. Best of luck.

That is a tough blow for you, do you have any family or relatives that can help you out, you could join a therapy group you would probably meet people in the same or similar situation as you, like they say `its good to talk`...i hope things pick up for you , good luck fellow.

The world owes you absolutely nothing, if you want something you have to make it happen yourself.
You are fully aware of your faults and only you can change your behaviour.
There is no point at all in dwelling on the past, it is today and tomorrow that matters.
Pick yourself up, get a positive attitude, a job and go for it.
You can do it, and you owe it to yourself to at least try.

Whilst browsing through this UN-happy, (and pathetic ) document, I was disturbed. Not by your question, it,s just that three pigs flew into my house, and i never got to finish reading it! Phewww"""

ignore that other bastard hunni !!

i really feel for you, and can kind of relate to some of your probz. i am 15 and have been through depression, self mutilation...heck i nearly died, i was paranoid and going crazy, i was obsessing over my weight and was being used but my so called "boyfriendas" for their pleasure when all i wanted to do was feel loved...i've been bullied a lot too at school and at home, got thrown out of my home and arested a few times for no particular reason, i could go on and on but i don't want to bore you

my point is hunni, that although we feel like the world owes us some happiness doesn't mean that we are gonna get it, my friends showed my god...and what the amazing things he could do and has done in my life. i'm not sure if you believe in god and i'm not about to preach to you because that's not what you need : someone telling you what you should and shouldn't do/think etc...

this is what i think (feel free to ignore me if you like as most people do ..joking!!
i think you need to start over. try and move to a less violent area and take up a hobby then you'll soon make friends. you could join a support group and slowley start to build a life for yourself. go to a community college and study something that interests you...even if you don't pick a course then its still worth a look, stay away from excessive alcohol as it will make you more depressed and make it your goal to try and laugh at least once per day, have you got any family? if so they may be able to help you through this difficult time.

i'm sorry for sucha long answer but if you want to chat or just soemone to send you a few jokes (warning they will most likley be soooo bad that theyre funny !!hehe) then feel free to email me!!

either way i have faith in you and i hope you find the kind of life you are dreaming about#1!

Parts of it sound very familiar. Your life is undoubtedly very difficult. But 30 is not old enough to write yourself off - life's "supposed" to begin at 40 anyway -
Do you have a keyworker or any "support"? I'm assuming you've looked into whether medication would help with the way you feel and you take any medications you need.
Is there a place you can go in the day that's non-threatening, where you can change your surroundings for a while? That can make a big difference to your mood even if it's only short-term. You could for instance go to the library and sit there with a book for ten minutes or half an hour, see if there's anything there that catches your interest to get you looking outwards a bit.
The contributor above who suggested writing has a very good point. You are articulate and literate, advantages some others don't have.
I think you're realising that you want other people involved to some degree in your life, but are out of the habit of talking to people. It's hard to start from scratch but you need to find a starting point somewhere. What about seeing your GP or a social worker for some ideas? They should be able to help.
It doesn't matter if you don't go this week, or next week, there will come a time when you get so fed up with the status quo you just have to act. Meantime please take heart; you're not alone in this community, and you're not a dead loss.
It may not help to know that the people you envy so much feel like running away and hiding sometimes too but it's still true.
Best wishes to you.

Hey I live in that kind of home where my responsibilities are taken care of, but you know what? As a result my freedoms are limited, because I was also bullied as a little girl, beat up by lots of kids , didn't have a real friend until I was 17 years old. My AFC home in which I am staying in right now, won't allow me to date another client in the same company, because they don't think we need to be dating. Everytime I have a problem they always blame it on me dating, but it's not always the case.
Lashing out at people also makes it harder for you to keep friends, have you ever tried DBT?
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's a program specifically designed for those with Borderline Personality to learn skills to cope better with life and everything. No your life isn't ruined, it's never too late to start over.
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/dbt.h...

4 the 1st time it's actually kinda difficult 4 me 2 answer a question. I wanna be fair..I'm always fair.. But..I'll say I've never heard of anything like this...Sexual abuse is a awful thing, and I can't even begin 2 imagine what you've been through. I've never been bullied but, I do know when we're kids we do stupid stuff. You've been sad far 2 long, u r bitter and angry 4 things that happened in the past and the idiots that did those things 2 u prob don't even remember, and it's u stuck with the memories and the pain. But, u have 2 understand No one owes u anything!! You owe it 2 yourself!! Don't u feel u deserve 2 be happy, Don't u deserve 2 have all those things your heart desires, that u were robbed of? Well i do! I think u deserve it, but, u must work at it. Happiness won't come 2 u no matter what u think. So take baby steps and I promise u you'll be 1 step closer every day and you'll figure it out on the way (Lissie McGuire Theme song)!

NO, your life is not ruined, but you are way too pesimistic. You need to stop thinking about what you DONT have. You have youth and plenty of intelligence. All you need is the WILL to stop being depressed.

REGARDS

yeh, right, and im peter pan