What is the psychological reason for why im so bitter and angry and resent others who are happy & contented?

im in such conflict with myself.
im 30 now, i have PTSD and borderline personality disorder....ive suffered nothing but tradgedy, trauma, abuse, bullying, sexual abuse....assaults...bullying throughout high school...was a high school drop out......then spent the rest of my adolecance and my teens battling mental health problems.

ive never made any friends or ever been in a relationship.....i let bulliers and victimizers of the past pick on me and abuse me......now im incredablly angry and bitter.
im turning into a person i dont like and never wanted to be...all at the hands of corrupt man.
i have severe low self esteem...im clingy...needy...dont like who iam...because thats what i was taught and what was instilled into me..
so look....im totally screwed arnt i? never been employed..live in a one bedroom apartment.. no one to turn to.

what have i to smile, be happy about? jack thats what.
my only ambition is to now emigrate from the uk, to build a new life in a hot climate

to meet a partner, to find love, acceptance, security.
get my own home..somewhere rural..

but thats laughable because how can i accomplish that
at the extreme disadvantage im at in life?

those dreams are ' worlds apart' from me.
i want to emigrate to a rural part of the u.s

but at 30, having gone through all that, what chance
do i got?
the odds are stacked against me. im far from the person i want to be

i blame others and the immoral, vulgar , hooligan bullies.
i worry have they made me like them.

what do you think?

and how can i stop all this anger and bitterness
and resentment of others happiness after everything
thats happened to me?

You have to know that you are something.....you are worth something, no matter who has put you down in the past.....
You have to make up your mind that you are not going to let them decide who you are, only YOU can decide who YOU are!!!! and what you do in life. I know that you have been dealt a bad hand but only you can play it, so you must decide to play it the best YOU can.
You need a friend.....if you want to message me, please do through my profile.....
Good luck and hold your head high and decide to be who you want to be and be that PERSON.....only you can!!!!!!!!!

First off i am so so sorry for all the **** you have been through in your life. you should have never gone through all that! but all you can do is start fresh. im sure this is not going to be easy but it is possible. you must have some really great things about who you are. do you like music? start going to shows and meet people who are into the same scene. do you like art...go to gallarie openings...sports...sports bars... findnew people anywhere in the world who are into the same things as you are. **** all the other people who have hurt you because they cannot rule the rest of your life. move on and start fresh!

I'm sorry that you have to feel that way. Are you in therapy or anything? Maybe talking to someone who can relate would help you. If you want to emigrate then I say do it. Start a new life and try to focus on all the positives. leave the bad people behind. Good luck. I hope you get better.

I don't think you're so bad. You remind me of this one guy I knew (my ex, though he was younger; now we're just friends). If it helps, I'm sort of screwed myself, with my lack of confidence, my bitterness towards my dad (I mean, my mom stuck me in family counselling because of it), kids have made fun of me for being fat, I don't have many friends (online is where I have the most; my best friend has alot of friends and no time for me), high school is a major stressor, my family doesn't know how to help me since they found out aboot this (they're all christian and I'm an atheist), and I've just become depressed. I'm sure you can fullfill your dreams, though. I really hope things get better for you (I'm sure you can make things happen), you seem like a nice guy.

You need to talk to a therapist or counselor and work through all these emotions. Someone to help you work on self-esteem. Today, Bullies can be expelled from school because of the very problems you are having in your life today. However, YOU are not a victim, YOU are a survivor. You are 30? You're life is not over, it's just beginning- Trust me I went through some problems in my 20's, I'm 38 now and really getting used to me. You have to Love yourself, take small steps or heck- just jump out there, but I think maybe start with a part time job- you'll be around other people and start building you're self-esteem.
I have scars, and I'm glad for them- it means the hurt and pain are over, and I have healed! I also have Mental Issues, but I take meds. am a School Teacher and sure I have my bad days- but dear- live for you. Not in turmoil of past but for the rest of you're life that is going to be blessed and rich. You have to have faith and believe in yourself---I do and I don't even know you!!!!! Remember the darkest hour only lasts 60 minutes. Thinking of you!! :)

Have you read the website: www.alice-miller.com that i suggested yet? And there are various other sites and books that will allow you to understand why you are the way you are and how to cope with it. If you are super jealous of happy people it will be hard to connect to others because they may sense you might be mean to them if they are happy. And if you chose someone just as unhappy the 2 of you may never change, but sit around complain about others all day. Your writing is quite good and you explain your situation quite well which means you have the intelligence to learn about yourself and know what to do. Help with a therapist will bring even better results. There is a reason why the average person even with slight mental illness do not feel like you do and that's because they have not have the same experience. The intensity of the abuse you went through were rare. Abuse is not rare but severe abuse is rare. The world you lived through is not what alot of others had, so there is hope. That in itself is prove that not all people are evil. And now you can take controll and chose to get better. You can choose what to do now, and you can get better.

Have you seen the movie "last holiday"?

Actually, you are not alone. A good percentage of people are afraid of interaction, going out, making friends, etc. etc. It's rejection we fear, and we all do to a certain extent. It's human nature. As long as you remember that your feelings are normal, than you will not feel guilt over them. It's the guilt that keeps you in this cycle.

***Nobody can ever forget the pain that they endured at the hands of bullies. You must have had it worst than most. Own those feelings. You can't deny them. Want revenge? Revenge is living well and being happy. Either that, or find those bullies and face the past.

Firstly, I'm gonna establish that I'm only 19, so you can take what I gotta say or leave it. But I've been through crap most middle-aged dudes aint even heard of, let alone been subjected to, which I believe lends my advice some credence.

I say you should go out and talk to someone about Jesus. That helped me a lot with the hopelessness and depression. After that you should go do something to advance your situation; take a class, work out, move somewhere awesome.(Like Nebraska, pretty cool state in the US)
Because, in my opinion, when you've been through all this crap that hurts, and sucks, you need some positive change so you can look at yourself and say, "hell yeah dude I'm making progress, I'm moving forward!" Looking at your life and seeing something positive in it makes a world of difference.
To avoid being clingy, you should learn to do stuff yourself. And I mean do everything yourself. Like pay your bills, get out of bed, make your coffee, walk the dog, all the mundane things. Like instead of wondering, "hmm, should I...? I'll go ask this person." You should instead think; "Yeaah man, I'm gonna, and I'm gonna deal with whatever happens too, and whether **** hits the fan or not, IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME."
Teach yourself enthusiasm.
Email me if you want.

There is a wonderful book that you should try reading. It is called "The Purpose Driven Life" - it is meant to be read one chapter a day for 40 days. Each day is a new insight, something to ponder and reflect upon. Check it out and read the reviews on http://www.amazon.com/Purpose-Driven-Lif...

If you are interested, let me know and I'll send you a copy.