Am having terrific difficulty dealing w/ father w/ rectal cancer and how his cancer has changed our relations?

My father is 76 yrs old & was diagnosed w/ rectal cancer last August/06. A bit of history----I am now 50 & all of my life we have been like the very best of friends. I stayed by his side almost nonstop for 1st 6 wks after his diagnosis, then went home. He has completed his radiation therapy, and continues w/ oral chemo drug Xeloda. My biggest problem is that as time goes on, he has gotten meaner and meaner. He says that is what he must do to try to survive his cancer.

Unfortunately, he has begun drinking beer a lot recently (he quit the moment he 1st got his diagnosis). Also, last night we had a huge blow up as he states he does not deal well with emotions (VERY TRUE), & I was trying to recover from withdrawing from elavil which made me super sensitive &emotional. What do I do? He has not called to apologize today & I do not feel it is my responsibility to call him after the VERY CRUEL things he said to me. What do I do ??? PLEASE, I am DESPERATE !!

please call your father and tell him that you love him .forget about all the fight and who is right or wrong ........
be kind to him .............he is probably having a hard time dealing with his situation ..........
do not waste time .time is precious when you have cancer .
he is your FATHER :-)

Your dad sound like he is having a very hard time accepting his cancer diagnosis and is now using alcohol to try to cover things up. He needs to get some counseling or attend a support group for colorectal cancer patients. You might suggest it but whether or not he accepts help is hard to say. For now just call and tell him you realize things are rough but let him know that you love him no matter what.

Step back and inhale. Try not to take things personally. He is fighting to survive, and he isn't in his right state of mind.
Forgive him and act like it didn't happen.

Bless your heart...what an awful thing to have to go through...for both of you....the best thing you can do is pray for guidance and really try to hear from God....I myself and in a terrible relationship with two very close family members and I know first hand how hard that can be....you need to try and understand where your Dad is coming from and help him the best you can.....but never forget that you have to take care of yourself as well....you will be doing no one any good if you let this drive you crazy....figure out just what your responsibilities are in this matter and attend to them, but do NOT take on the responsibility for your Dad having cancer.....sometimes we allow people to make us do more than we should for them and that does not allow them the time or the inclination to do for themselves....like I said, ask for guidance, you may get your answer sooner than you think....God Bless

You know he doesn't deal well with emotions so why are you expecting him to change now that he is under a lot of stress. I'll also assume that he drinks more than he should and that probably plays a part in his nasty mood. Now just accept him for who he is and always has been - he is scared to death and of death so just disassociate your feelings from his moods and let him know you are available if he needs anything. We all tend to lash out at those closest to us - because stranger would not put up with the treatment. Do not be afraid of calling him on his cruel comments. You are allowed to be mad and hurt, say so and then tell him what you want him to do to make you feel better. Someone who can't or won't deal with emotions will have no idea that you need an apology or retraction or flowers or what ever it is you need. Give him a chance, but don't just take the abuse either.

My father died at the age of 76 with colon cancer at his bedside...If you really love him try to set things right before he's gone...Remember cancer is still there, even if you have it removed...It does come back, but most times you never know when...It can even be tomorrow...His frame of mind is very delicate at this time...The chemo kills a lot of good cells...Be his friend now, before it is too late...It was for me...Good luck...

dude, stop trying to be so touchy feely with him.
this is making him feel very uncomfortable.
that's where your pushing the boundary too much.

he is a tough old coot,
the beer is his way of dealing with the cancer.
rectal cancer is very very painful.
look at the kind of medicine the doctors have him on.

it sounds like you both need the opposite things right now.
maybe some time away from each other will calm thing between you two.

Hi butterfly, Your dad is in alot of pain,and he really can't help hisself. My dad is very sick too. He can say,aweful things to be all the time. I know it's the illness that is causing my dad to change.He will die from this illness,so i just don't say anything about how he is acting. My dad also drinks alot of beer. If it makes him happy, i don't care about the drinking. At least i know, i was doing my best to take care of him. He's my only living parents,and i love him. So if you can, let alot of things he says, go by,and be happy that your dad is trying to fight his cancer. A Friend.

Clowmy

Hi, be patient with him and yourself. Don't try to analyze what went wrong to cause the mood swings and cruel things, it obviously is age, medication, and illness, you probably deep down know that. Your father is at an age where he realizes this could be his last year and he's having coping problems and lashing out at the closest people to him, one of them being you. He's scared, and not well, he can't help what he's doing. You're having trouble too, you have to deal with his illness, your withdraing from meds and the stress is tremendous with both of you. It's hard for you to watch him especially when he's cruel. He's hurting himself and you, since he said that's what he has to do to survive, that's the way he's mentally coping. We all act different. He's your father though and you love him, he loves you. Call him, you don't need to apologize but make the first move, you have to find peace and forgive, let it go, chalk it up to illness. What if he died tomorrow and you had not called him? You would feel awful, so just do it, call him just to talk.

I'm a cancer survivor and I've lot alot of family to cancers. It's a nasty illness and it drains you, makes you mean you resent having it, and it's stressful. I wish I could go back and talk to people I lost and didn't make resolutions with, if I had to do it over I would have done differently.

Sometimes an illness just makes the person unhappy with how their lives have turned out to be. Some people become mean because they are at the mercy of another who must care for them, all awhile, that ill person wants to die. You need to be sympathetic with him as his days are getting shorter. His demeanor or attitude is now his only means of retaliation and you just happen to be the person around that gets all the mean words. You need to be strong for him and try to place yourself in his predicament. One day, when your days have been numbered, you will probably do the same exact thing to someone else. Forgive him inwardly and express your forgiveness outwardly to him. Remember, he's not well. Pray for him when he upsets you. It will do you good. Besides, YOUR FATHER GAVE YOU LIFE (as well as your mother)! Honor Thy Father and Mother, that your days will be long!

You forgive him and move on. Your father is probably going through the death and dying process. Anger is one of the things we go through on our way to accepting what has happened to us. My father has had throat cancer for five years. He has a very large tumor in his throat. He had to get a feeding tube and a trach. He became very angry and mean after his first chemo and radiation treatment. We just have to love them in spite of what they do or say to us. Try putting yourself in your father's shoes and having to go through what he is going through right now. None of us knows how we would act in similar situations.

Such an illness is not handled well alone. There is help in peer group es and usually the hospital helps with some sort of therapy that brings all these factors into consideration. Your relation and love for your father has not changed but you and... your father, have. Try harder.