Raped and still have rape fantasy?

I was raped a while back, like it sort of tore my vaginal walls.. if you know what I mean? Anyways and I still have the rape fantasy.. does that mean.. like... it wasn't rape... I dunno... I'm so confused... How can I still glamorize and trivialize rape after it happened to me?.... Actually I don't even know if I had the rape fantasy before it.... but I dunno I suppose rape's the only sexual contact I've had.... oh god! Help please!

I know a lot of people won't think that I was raped but I really, honestly was raped.

Hey, hon. I'm going to tell you something that many people won't say. I am a rape victim. I am the daughter of a rape victim. I am the cousin of a rape victim. I am the friend of a rape victim. I am all too familiar with rape and the repercussions it can cause. I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. No one should ever have to experience that. Ever.

Speaking in broad generalizations here...
Most rape victims react to sex in two different ways after the rape incident. Some will completely close off from sex. Abstain, avoid, or not enjoy or even want to think of sex. Others embrace sex. Some even become promiscuous and surprisingly often (but not always) fantasize about rape, about being dominated, tied up, that kind of thing. It is, in a way, taking the power back that was taken from you during your rape. You ASK to be in those situations, you WANT to be in them (glamorize, fantasize) and it is a consentual thing. By allowing it to happen, wanting it to happen, making fantasies come true.... you're reclaiming your sexuality. Does that make sense? You're no longer a victim if you want it.

You can't erase the real rape but in a way reclaiming your sexual power by feeling in control of your future sexual adventures can be a part of the healing process. You take back that power through every fantasy you have... Rough sex, bondage stuff, being dominated... now you're in control. Your mind put you there. It's kind of cool how it processes such a horrible trauma and helps you take yourself back. The control is in your hands (even if you act on a fantasy and give them the power... you are GIVING them... willingly... the power. Make sense?)

I am so sorry for what you went through. Honey no one can tell you that you weren't raped. I don't care what is happening... the instant you say "No" is it. Right then. Not 5 seconds later. THEN. No means no. Anything beyond no is rape. And it's not your fault.

Good luck in the healing process. It will always be there in the back of your mind but in time it gets better. I promise.

*edit for clarification*

What I'm trying to say is that the theory goes like this... No one can rape you if you say yes. So if you say yes to sex or yes to someone to act out being the aggressor to you you are allowing it, agreeing to it, and there for you aren't ACTUALLY a victim anymore. Or even if you just find pleasure or joy in thinking of the fantasy while... um... doing solo activities ;) then that's a piece of power you get back. A piece of you that was taken away.

You definitely, definitely need to talk to a professional about this. I have worked as an aide in a pediatric psych ward, a Child Advocate for CASA, and am working on my degree in psych but I am NOT an expert. I can't even word what I was trying to say clearly! lol

Talk to a support group (look in the phone book or call planned parenthood for a list of rape crisis support groups in your area) and speak with a licensed counselor trained to help you work through this is safe and healthy ways. Fantasies CAN get out of hand... and what happened to you was a very big deal. You can't deal with this alone.

If you are for real ... Go get help!!!
I hope you have reported the rape because rape is about anger and violence not about sex... Whoever raped you hates women and needs to feel superior and will do it again.

Please go get help from a specialist in rape crisis counseling.

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. Have you spoken to a therapist? I had a friend who was raped and she had PTSD but she never said anything about fantasizing about her rape. Did you know the person who raped you? Hope you get the help you need.

Rape is rape. Sorry that happened to you. I would go to a therapist they will be better at this than anyone on here.

I am sorry to hear that bzzzz, but I so totally agree with beefpuke. You have to talk to somebody about this and get yourself straightened out. It is unfortunate that this happened to you, but you do need to talk to someone in counseling about it. Good luck.

it was rape hun, ive been raped too, multiple times. if the abuse felt good or you had an orgasm you may feel particularly ashamed. its natural to have sexual feelings when touched in a sexual way. you did not ask to be raped. your body just did what bodies are made to do, it didn't betray you. your rapist did. i still have fantasies that disturb me, yet in a way i like them. its hard to explain and it hurts to think about, but i know where you're coming from. i'm in therapy and i suggest you get help too, its really useful in healing from what happened to you. it wasnt your fault and whether you feel guilty, ashamed, anger, hate or even love towards this person, you shouldn't have to fight this on your own! please seek help, take care

talk to a counselor if that bothers you. fantasies are normal and it can be anything you want. maybe you like to control things in life and you like to be taken control in your fantasy, I don't know, but any fantasy is healthy. if you need help, please seek a psychiatric help.

okay, you probably were ready to become sexually active but did not agree with the person so it was rape.

meaning, if you were to meet a partner you like, you can make love and be normal.

right now what this is to you is basically, you are curious about sex, but unfortunately had that experience.

for some women, rape ruins their whole sexual life. it looks like you can get over it though.