Hi everyone, This is a long story, but I would appreciate any of your thoughts or guidance 鈥?Thank-you.
I have what I think is a very strange situation regarding my father in laws reaction to the death of his wife of 40+ yrs. She died after a 3 month illness, it was very sad, but not totally unexpected as she was not in the best of health prior to the illness. During her hospitalization, the doctors/nurses prepared us that it was going to happen.
The thing is my father in law (75 yrs old) is what you could describe as manic, not manic-depressive, just plain manic, happy all the time, always able to see the bright side of things totally regardless of reality or common sense. The entire time she was in the hospital dying, he kept looking at her blood pressure on the monitor as an indicator of how much better she was doing. The kids, doctors and nurses all explained to him that her blood pressure was being manipulated by the medications and the numbers were not an indication of her getting better and that she was in fact going to die. Thru it all he was positive and kept reporting to everyone about her recovery.
Well, she passed away in September. The day of the funeral, we went back to the house afterwards, and he - that very day - sat down at the computer and planned a cruise to the Bahamas, went on the cruise the very next week and (his words) 鈥渉ad a grand and glorious time鈥? He went on yet another cruise a month or so after that! Also (the day of the funeral) he left out profiles of various women from a Christian singles dating web site he had apparently signed up/paid a membership for. Now several months after meeting a woman from that website, they are planning their marriage. She lives several hrs from him. She works as a psychologist evaluating the mental capacity of people for health insurance benefits. They only see each other on the weekends for a few hrs, and we estimate they've actually spent much less than 60 hrs together. Every Sunday evening we get pictures and a report of their 鈥渇abulous鈥?weekend together. Thing is she looks strikingly similar to my deceased mother in law鈥?. Do not understand how this lady could be serious about marrying a man in this situation, certainly not with her training & experience. It may be possible that she does not realize his apparent happiness is totally independent of meeting her, as love is blind and they have not really know each other that long.
His behavior seems so bizarre, to be happy in every situation regardless of what is occurring around him. I can鈥檛 help but feel angry that he is very insensitive to the feelings of his four children, grandchildren, family and friends who miss her soo much. It鈥檚 as if he鈥檚 not at all fazed by her death and he has no problem moving on!!!! I could not imagine losing a spouse of that many years and be ready to go on a cruise the next day or even think about being married again in a few months. It seems to be as though he skipped the grieving process all together, in fact every step of it, there was no anger, despair, rationalizing鈥?etc.
Just plain do not know what to make of it, nor does anyone else we鈥檝e talked to鈥︹€︹€︹€︹€︹€? I think that it is possible that your father in law DOES NOT have the normal emotions of a loving, caring man. There are people who have learned to fake these well enough that they get by their whole lives, living the lie that they care about someone. But they just don't. They don't have emotions, and they don't understand them, and they don't have to deal with them because nothing actually touches them.
That does not mean that they do not use the "love" words, and even (through practise over many years) learn how to fabricate those emotions where they are expected. The clinical name for these people are sociopaths, or psychopaths. Do not confuse them with serial killers. Although almost all serial killers are psycho or sociopaths, not all psyco or sociopaths are serial killers.
Here are the definitions from Wikipedia...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociopath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopath
My former father in law was just such a man as yours. He was married to my ex-husband's mother for over 50 years when she died. He was always manic as you describe, being always "up" and happy (although I always felt that it was a sham) and seemingly totally devoted to his wife.
He was dating within two weeks of his wife's death. He remarried six weeks after her death. And he acted and reacted the exact same way with his second wife as he did with his first. No matter how angry his children got at him, he never expressed any remorse at replacing their mother so quickly...nor gave any excuse for it.
Are you sure that your father in law's fiance even knows of the timeline in his marriage? Maybe he has lead her to believe that his wife died a year earlier than what actually happened? And he could be using his children's jealousy to excuse their behaviour of resentment towards her (if any have met her at all).
I suggest that someone in the family get together all the pertinent information regarding your father in law and approach this woman directly with it. Once you are sure that she knows just what sort of man she is dealing with, then YOU will know that any further decisions she makes will at least be informed ones. I find it hard to believe that a psychologist would be a party to a relationship with such a man either.
Finally, I would counsel you to let your anger at him go. He is not worth your suffering. He certainly will not reciprocate. You have to teach yourself to overlook his lack of emotions, or to divorce yourself from him entirely. He is not worth your own suffering.
Just remember what your mother in law meant to you. Help your children to do their grieving for her. And you can explain to them that Grandpa has something really wrong inside of his head that makes him unable to feel the loss of Grandma the same way that they do. Don't attach blame--but give them those facts so that they have some sort of explanation for his bizarre behaviour. Sounds to me as if he has totally blocked out the fact that his wife is no longer there.
Sub consciously he is looking for a replacement so he can justify to himself that she is still there with him.
Perhaps the realisation of what has actually happened to him is too much for him to contemplate.
it is difficult to understand though unless you are actually living the situation in his shoes Wow! Discussed this with my partner and she stated that your father-in-law is simply in denial and doing what he has done to lessen the grief. She feels that it will hit him later on and perhaps you should all be prepared for that!
My opinion? I think your father-in-law has a mental abberation where reality and his next fix of pleasure never mix. I have seen this in my late mother where her thoughts were never in real time and it was seldom that sanity prevailed. Don't condemn him though ... I think his actions are beyond his own personal logic and perhaps you should simply stand back and observe ..... yes, taking a new wife so quickly seems insane and probably is ..... but I don't think he is in control of that fact. Just be there for when it all goes wrong! Everyone handles death differently. But you are right, he has not truly grieved, when he does it could be cataclysmic or he could let it wash over him like a small wave.
In his own way I suppose he is handling the situation as he has all things...you said he was always optimistic...well isn't going on a cruise relaxing and giving yourself break well deserved after giving everything you've got to give to one solitary soul while they needed you? and as for the new love life? He probably can't bear the thought of being alone after all these years. He has every right to handle this as he wants, it's his life...the kids are adults, the grandchildren wouldn't know the difference unless the adults in their lives reveal it to them.
I bet he misses every moment with his wife. Give the guy a break he was there for her in sickness and in health. If he's happy, be happy for him. If he's sad, be there to comfort him.
Oh yeah, and as for her? she either a gold digger or needs a shrink... to get this involved with a guy who hasn't had the time to finish grieving. People grieve and deal with pain, stress, and depression in very different ways. There is no wrong answer.
My husband is the type who is very optimistic and does not dwell. I suspect that if something were to happen to me, that he would not behave much different. This is dispite how much he loves me and enjoys our marriage.
It is not at all suprising that if he were constantly looking at things as though they were getting better that he would have suffered at great dissapointment. He obviously did not want to see things as bleek as they truly were, as it may have been seen as admidting defeat in his eyes. (my husband is very much like this). But now that she is gone, he see's that he needs to move on with his life.
I seriously doubt that any of this is out of disrespect or lack of love for his deceased wife. In fact, this great desire and need to move on very quicky may be showing just how much she did mean to him. That if he does not find something else to fill his life and distract him, it will cause the rest to crumble.
And this would also explain why he does not seem to care about anyone else's feelings on the matter. He is looking to take care of himself, and he is boasting these weekend outings to the people he loves to let them know that he is going to be okay.
Besides this 'strange' behavior, would you rather he become severly depressed and withdrawn from his life and family? You said yourself that he has always been kinda manic, so why does it suprise you that he would want to continue to live that way without her?
As for the other woman, she either does not know the extent of the circumstance, or she is thinking the same thing that I am.
You should be happy for him that he is trying to press on, because that actually takes someone very strong and truly optimistic. Most of us would be truly stopped in our tracks- but that does not make it the right course of action for everyone. This is his survival skill, be thankful that he can still use it.
Besides, if it's so bothersome to you... then sit down and have a frank talk about it. Ask him how he feels about the death and the upcoming marriage to another woman. Let him know how you are precieving it to be so that he can have a chance to correct you if your wrong. But don't attack him with disapproval, that will only prevent him from sharing with you.
And would you be so upset if your dog died and another family member quickly ran out to get you a new puppy? It's no different, that sometimes having the company of someone else helps the passing of another. He's trying to find someone to fill the void that his wife left.
He's also trying to hide and suppress the grief.
Everyone reacts differently. In a high-pressure, scary situation, I turn in to Robin Williams. Other people freak out, or mope, or take command. When my family was nearly killed in a car crash, I wasn't joking around immediately afterwards because I didn't care, I was joking around because I was f**king terrified and that's how I internalize things.
Odds are he won't remarry. We all grieve in different ways, he might be pretending that the new woman is his deceased woman. It's unfortunate, but maybe he is trying to deny that she is gone and still with him, hence the positive attitude, otherwise he has no feelings. On the other hand there could be a dark side to his personality, by the way, take note, this is true, some people have no feelings. On a negative note he maybe a psycho, that is to say no comprehension of empathy. There is no right or wrong way to greive,or beginning or end to it either,you say he is always in a happy state of mind has he been tested for any mental illness? They where together 40yrs + which is a long time, and his saying that his wife would recover was his way of holding on to the hope that she would even though you all told him she was dying, that was how he dealt with her dying deep down he knew she was going and on the surface he kept a happy optomistic veiw of things....
Have any of his children spoke to him about how he feels mentally about his wifes passing? The holiday he took is no big deal maybe they had discussed this that if anything happened to either one that is what they would do,he deserved a holiday the person he had been wife for the biggest part of his life had just died, and even though he came back and said he had a glorious, enjoyable holiday none of you where with him so how do you know this is true,he could have spent the entire holiday crying for his loss and dealing with his pain,anger and all the other emotions a death brings you,and not wanting to upset or worry his children has put on a happy facade..
You say he is 75 he may not be here much longer himself, so would his children and yourself rather he spent his last years pineing for his late wife, having nothing worht living for or to look forward to also company in his last years,so this lady may well not be aware of his situation he might not have told her about his wifes recent passing,have you met this lady in the flesh? you say you have seen photo's have any of you spoke with her? As her job is ion the psychological area Im sure she would notice anything out of the ordinary in him....
You are all still dealing with your own sense of loss in your own indiviual ways let him deal with it his way Im sure he is not intentionally trying to upset or hurt his children,try putting yourself in his shoe's Im sure you and your partner have discussed what to do if one of you die's would you want them sitting at home crying for you and living the rset of their life alone? We only live once give him support dont question his emotional state or how he has dealt with this he was the man married to your mother in law not you, I do understand your pain also and his kids but dont condem him be there for him, he may suddenly break down one day and he will need all your support, see it from his point of view and think of his age let him have happiness for the rest of his time here..Hope this helps good luck...... Maybe he's stuck on denial? Hi, my Mom works witin the mental health service and my dad is bipolar so I guess they are both well wxperienced in this area! It will be difficult but the best thing to do is wait, as I am sure the grieving process will kick in at some point. Many people with bipolar do not cope well with stress and this has been a very stressful time for your father in law. My guess is his mania is kicking in and he will be aware of this but not able to stop it. When mania kicks in it is so strong you can't fight it without medical intervention/therapy and so my guess is he is not meaning to seem fine and moving on, it is his illness taking over.
I am sure there will come a point when he will hit reality hard and you will need to be just as strong for him when it does. It must be difficult to deal with when you are grieving yourselves, on the bright side this new lady in his life may be good for him,she has the knowledge on mental health due to her work. I find it impossible that she can't see there is an issue with his mental health she will of picked it up!! good wishes for the future... |
