<<< serious head case?

I'm 21yr old male, I believe I have Manic-Depressive Illness. I have been researching it and found a lot of symptoms that I can relate to. I'm very caring of others, but not of myself, and could care less what happens to me today/tomorrow.

I really love my mother, but don't show it at all....its one of those situations that I don't really care now, but if she was in an accident or died, I wouldn't be able to go on living....I'm very bad at showing emotions, especially where they are needed most.

I've been a head case since I was about 10yrs old with self-esteem issues and insults, living in my brother's shadow (4 yrs older). Students in school would always approach and ask how my brother was doing, and never myself. They would even say "why can't you be like your brother?" or "your brother is hott, wtf happend to you?" This would happen weekly if not daily.

(additional info continuing)

I used to be very caring and respectful of all people and races and would learn their languages and cultures. But I have been scarred so much over the years and swallow it all, that I am now more of an a$$hole and have very crude sarcastic humor towards people and I honestly feel that if i became healthier and more attractive and started getting more attention that i would really become an @sshole and treat people as if they were less than me.

It feels like a lose-lose situation. Any advice on what kind of physician I should seek out? I don't really want to look for self-help books because I don't need to "identify" what is wrong with me. I sorta view myself from 3rd party perspective (weird)

oh honey please contact your local mental health center if you cant afford it, most places do sliding scale fee you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you counselling will work

If you have a general practitioner, ask them for a referral. But you need to keep in mind that more likely than not, a majority of the work ahead of you will involve lots of real introspection and some behavior modification on your part- not medication or specific therapy. People don't realize how easy it is to take the downward spiraling path- and how difficult it is to turn back around and face the world. Good luck.

Contact who you want but I know something that might help and you can get started on this right away.

Fresh air~sunlight~walks
Three good squares not frozen dinners or fast food
Drink lots of water
Vitamins ...A good multi-vitamin to start with
If you must dwell on the past dwell on some good events

Study up on what's good for the mind body and soul ... smile : )