Posessive / abusive mother?

Im just wondering what others would do in my position.

I have a mom, who I really love and want to spend time with. Unfortunetly, she is a bit mentally unstable and tends to emotionally abuse me. She tries to control me, goes through my stuff, reads my emails, etc. As a teenager, I was suffering from depression because of her. It all lifted once I moved out. I keep contact to the minimum now to avoid conflict. But I want this to change.

If I wouldnt care about her, I wouldnt mind seeing her once a year. But I want to be her friend. I miss her now that I am an adult. Any ideas (or personal experience) on how you managed the relationship with a problematic mother?

I am living on my own for over four years now, but still financially dependant.

So you are no longer a teenager living with her, right? So how is it possible that she goes through all of your stuff. And how does she read your emails?
Moms are NOT friends. You are still trying to get something from her that you will NEVER get. Her respect and the love you think she should be giving you. It's not going to happen. She would have to change completely and you know that is NEVER going to happen. She will always be the way she is. So why do you torment yourself wanting a relationship with her that you are NEVER going to have. Stop being a doormat.

I always say what she wants to hear because I want her to be happy. Even though most of the time she's wrong, I just try to avoid a confrontation. Don't know if it's the right way to handle her but that's what helps me have a descent conversation with her.

you cannot do anything to change her, you can only change how you react to her manipulations. Set firm limits for yourself, decide what you will and will not tolerate from her in terms of behavior and then stick to those limits. If she crosses one of your lines, you simply leave. You can tell her what your limits are if you want, but it will be much more effective if you simply show her that there are some behaviors you will not tolerate.

The important thing to remember, in her mind she knows little about the effects of her behaviour on others. This is a hard row to hoe my friend, unconditional love is about the only advice I can give, and more frequent contact with those she loves is important in not alienating her any further. Please find it within your heart to make more frequent visits.

Start with calling your Mom Like once a week at the same time and the same day.Start from there and then work on going to visit her ,Instead of once a year why Not once ever 3 months.Good Luck

Now, that you are grown, you and living on your own, you can communicate to her by not being accusatory, but letting her know that you want to be her child and her friend. That you appreciate and love her and that you would like for her and you to spend more time together. After getting the positives out you can at the right time let her know that there were some issues in the past that you would like to settle and at that time talk to her and let her know what those issues are and how do you both best handle them and keep stressing that it is so that you can get this out of the way to get closer to one another. Parenting is a hard job and as a parent we sometimes don't realize that we are harming when we think we are helping and with you having depression she probably felt she was saving you - then too, you don't know all that she has had to endure that manifested and made her problematic - so my comment is to love her, respect her and communicate with her and see if you can come to a amicable result that you both are satisfied with.

I too have "problematic" parents. The more accurate term is abusive, really. Now that I'm an adult living on my own, I've decided to only allow non-abusive people into my life, and unfortunately, that doesn't include my parents. It's sad, but it's for my sanity's sake, and it's best this way. It's really difficult to end a relationship with abusive parents, because the message we get from society is to always love your parents, they always love you, etc. Too bad that message isn't entirely correct. Sometimes you have to do what's best for YOU. Try not to pitty people who HURT you. You deserve a happy life filled with people who really love you and who do NOT abuse and control.

Posessive