Avoidance behavior has become a way of life - help please?

10 years ago I started with avoidant behavior because I was depressed/anxious. I would turn down invitations much of the time, and never invite anyone to do anything myself. I still managed to have a social life (til about age 18, when high school ended) via other peoples' invitations. It felt safer to stay at home with the phone's ringer off.

It's gotten to the point where avoidance behavior like this has become a way of life for me and I don't know how not to do it because it's so familiar. It's to the point where even my closest friend has never been to my apartment, even the one I was in for 3 years. I don't want to go out after work for a drink with coworkers (whom I know well) because it's just too much EFFORT and it's"easier" to go home and "relax" (i.e. lay in bed reading)

I've missed out on a lot of life because I do not know how to break this cycle.I dont suffer from anxiety anymore and don't really feel depressed. I have ADHD and nonverbal learning disorder.

HELP!

To the second poster: Thanks for trying to help, but obviously I am NOT happy, hence me asking for help! I feel like I'm missing out on everything. If it were as easy as saying, "Oh, what the heck, sure I'll go" then this would be a problem.

I'm in a very similar situation. I also have ADHD and tend to avoid socializing. For me, it's also not due to anxiety. I'm actually very good at talking to people. But I just find it easier to go home and relax; in my case I'm a TV-internet junkie. I watch reruns and answer questions on Yahoo. If someone calls me, I never feel like picking up the phone; I hate talking on the phone, but I'm perfectly fine talking in person.
Now everything I'm about to say applies to me, and I'm just telling you because maybe some of it applies to you. So take it or leave it. I think because we're ADHD we seem to "use up" all our dopamine during the day. When we get home, we feel drained and don't want to think critically. And most people don't get this, but being around other people does take mental effort. When I'm drained like this, all I want to do is go home and get my dopamine by doing mildly addictive activities. These activities are things where feeling good and stimulated is 100% certain. Interacting with other people is full of uncertainty, and evaluating uncertainty requires dopamine.
Here's what's worked for me:
I have a mantra that I tell myself when I see that I'm avoiding something: "You'll live." If you don't feel like doing something that you know you'll later regret not doing, then just suck it up and tell yourself, "So what if it's not perfect or 100% completely to my preference? You'll live." Rarely will situations be perfect; the only thing that's perfect is going home and relaxing, which you find to be demoralizing in the long run.
Being an avoider is not a bad thing by itself. I suspect it's helped you in school and career because you got good at anticipating problems and preventing/fixing them. But one thing I've learned is that the worst thing you can do is think that you know who you are and what you're good/bad at. You don't get better at dealing with social situations by avoiding them. In other words, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Being around people is tiring, but only in the short-term. It's just like a workout. You're drained at first, but you get stronger the more you do it. I used to hate being around people, and somehow I've become a people-person and developed strong interpersonal skills. I still prefer to be by myself, but now I deal with my avoidance issues a lot better.
You may feel trapped by the cycle, but remember that each day brings another opportunity to break the cycle. You messed up today; well, tomorrow is another day, right?
Life is messy and complicated and uncomfortable; you can learn to deal with it as best you can, and eventually you might even like it.

i have this to. i used to go see the neighbors and call friends, but now i just avoid everyone- even my husband/ i have deppression and anxiety. i think its from my abusive past. if you need some one to talk to im here.

you are in a therapy loop and obsessed with labeling all your activities and creating problems and solutions. STOP IT. if you like going home and reading then go home and read, it doesn't matter. if you are happy then don't change a thing. stop analyzing everything and labeling everything. just live your life the way you want to live it and not how you or your therapist/friends think it should be.

Accept invitations for outings. Once you start accepting, people will start asking you more frequently again. And going out and being really social will take time to adjust, and might even seem a bit awkward at first, but if you stick to it, it will start to feel more natural. It will take time, just stick to it. Some times the things in life that take effort are the things that we should do. Of course the typical things in your life are easier, but you are right, there is a whole world out there that is still going on, without you, time will not stand still, and as life changes, some of these oppurtunities will not come again. To conquer what is difficult in ones life helps us become a well rounded individual with less hang ups. I hope this helps:)

I have read about avoidant personality disorder and when I did it was like reading about myself! I know that I definitely used to have it.....the only thing that has broken the cycle is faith in God, i dont mean to preach though. I think the process started about 4 yrs ago.....I would say that u definitely need to go to a doctor and maybe get some anti depressants. I have been prescribed them but I dont want to take them, but at least they are there if I ever really need them. I felt the same as you for all of my life until about last year.Freshers week at uni was a nighmare, I burst in to tears in a nighclub becuase the rejection was becoming too much, and basically avoided ever social situation I could. A guy in my house started to get annoyed with me and thought I was selfish for not mixing with others....all I could think was, how little he knows about my mental state, how I cant even look someone in the eye without breaking into a sweat and cant hold a conversation with anyone for more than about 30 seconds.....I got used from about age 6 or 7 to spending time alone and felt that social interaction was too taxing for me, terrifying and scary, especially with "normal" people who were confident to some degree in themselves. I would really recommend going to a doctor of some kind..... I really hope that u manage to overcome it, cause its like living hell, all I will say is dont expect instant results, even 4 yrs after I feel like my process of being cured begun, I still get nervous and someone at work even commented on how nevous I was and said I really shouldnt be as I had not reason to be. A little trick I use now it to confront the feeling-nervousness, or whatever it is holding you back, and ask urself why you are feeling that way. Then tell urself you shouldnt feel that way, be strong with urself and be firm about it, then I imagine I am steamrollering over that feeling, with a massive steamroller.
It nearly always dissapears and I get a better perspective on things, I did it today when my friend was talking to this really confident guy at work and I was scared I might have to say something, and I worked! LuckIily the conversation ended, but I felt I could have joined in if I needed to. Good luck!