Needing suggestions dealing with grief?

I have a 16 year old son, we lost his dad 3 years ago & it is still very difficult. We tried counseling, but noone in our area deals with "grief counseling". I lose it in spurts, but deal pretty well. My son has down right depression binges... he hates visiting the grave & seems almost angry that his dad died. Anyone with advice? Is this a normal response almost 3 years after the fact?

Wonderful advice from most of you... I guess some of you misunderstood... I NEVER force him to go to the grave site. I have offered to take him if it would help, when he says NO, that's it. I don't mention it until he brings it up, then I re-offer. I will need to search for different counseling centers, must of you suggest he still needs outside help & Thank-you! I understand my grief is different & I am coping quite well, he & his dad were best buddies as well as extremely close dad & Son. I appreciate all your responses!

yes thats normal for your son to feel that way.Don鈥檛 be afraid of silence if your teen is not ready or able to talk. Provide comfort and care by just being there. Rather than tell them how they should or should not feel, confirm their feelings and offer understanding for the difficult emotions involved with grief.

Help teens recognize the many emotions that can be a part of grief, but that all of us react to grief in different ways. Here are some common emotions that may accompany grief:

Numbness, shock, and disbelief鈥攅specially when death is sudden or unexpected. These feelings provide a protective response that shields us from dealing with overwhelming emotions until we can face them. Our words are often 鈥淚 don't believe it,鈥?or 鈥渋t can鈥檛 be true.鈥?The reactions of others may be to get us to face the truth, when we just need time to absorb the awfulness of what has happened. It is much better to say to a teen in this stage, 鈥淚 know, it鈥檚 hard for me to believe it, too.鈥?br>
Anger, frustration, and rage鈥攊t is common to feel angry with God, the doctor, the person who died, or ourselves. We may blame God for allowing the person to die. We may blame the doctor for not helping the person to get well. We may blame the person for smoking or driving too fast. We almost always blame ourselves for all the 鈥渋f only鈥?and 鈥渨hat ifs鈥?we can think of. Teens may say things like, 鈥淕od is not real鈥?or 鈥淟ife is not fair.鈥?br>
Avoid reacting with 鈥淒on鈥檛 say that鈥?or 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 mean that.鈥?Instead, affirm their feelings with, 鈥淵ou are very angry. I get angry too when life doesn鈥檛 seem fair or things happen that don鈥檛 make sense to me.鈥?br>
Depression, emptiness, and loneliness鈥攕ometimes teens can feel so sad and empty they say, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to live anymore.鈥?Rather than reacting with, 鈥淒on鈥檛 say that鈥?or 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 mean that,鈥?focus on listening. You might say, 鈥淒eath is so hard to accept that sometimes we feel like we don鈥檛 want to go on鈥?or 鈥淵ou miss her so much now but a time will come when you will feel some happiness again.鈥?

If your teen is overwhelmed with grief and still having difficulty with daily functioning after six months, it is time to seek professional help. Help him understand that just as you look for a skilled person to learn a new sport鈥攍ike basketball or volleyball鈥攊t is helpful to let those who have skills in handling emotions guide us when we have to deal with a difficult loss.

If his dad died, did you re-marry? Who did you buy that father's day present for? Report It

My father died when I was 17. My mother and I ended up with a different relationship after all of the change, best friends. After you both survive this together, you can build a stronger relationship through loving each other. Report It

Many hospitals have grief counseling meetings. I am sure that you can find something in your town, or in a nearby city. It is important to get professional help.

Well, you're gonna be upset, i would suggest visiting a pastor and reading the Bible, try John, and praying God will help you

Don't let it control your life... Think about what they would have wanted. Would he want you to be unhappy?

He might try suicide so be aware if he is going out alone or cutting himself. And it could be like it was only last night(or moning/day) that he diedso0 yes it could be normal. TRy going to anothercity for conseling.

I think maybe you guys are dwelling on the past a little too much, I know it's hard but live for the future stay in the present and enjoy life. I lost my mom when I was 13 and I had a ruff time but I got over it in time. I tried not to think about it too much. My dad started dating and I just started doing normal teenager stuff. Girls started taking up all my time and attention. Just start living and have fun!

this is really ifu looking to son can't finde he's father......i will tell u something............u r amother....thinked how u do to make him happy ...... and how him forget he's father.......see what's he's love.....and do it to him...mabyee he will happy and forget he's father

Talk to your son's school most schools have counseling for this! They can help you out and it can help him if they see that's it bad enough they can refer you to some place for help! And if he don't wont to go to the grave site plz don't make him let him deal with his feeling and try to understand them sounds like he was close to his dad and it hit him hard! He will go to the grave site when he is ready! Everyone grieves differently and for different amount of time!

Sorry but I read what eky said even tho I could not make out what he was saying, I did get him saying that you need to do things with your son so he can for get his father no never try to have your son forget him, he needs to remember the love his father had for him and all the good times they had together!

And eky you are soooooooooooo wrong
he should never forget his father he needs to learn to deal with the death and remember him and how much his father loved him and all the good times they had together!

Wow we are like two peas in the pod! I also have a 16 year old son whose dad died 3 years ago. Grief has left its mark on me - I have gained 50 lbs... My son does well, I essentially reinforced in him that what happened to his dad was not his fault, not in his control and he has a right to be sad and pissed. I don't make my kids go to his grave because its painful it only reinforces pain and absence. I encourage memories and funny stories and good times, and how his dad is at peace and is watching over us. I encourage the fact that he is very much alive in our hearts. I know this probably sounds trite and redundant, but maybe you should look to a Dr to help him cope and overcome his depression. My heart goes out to you, because I know how hard this has been and continues to be - and single parenting sucks - its something I never counted on.....but I do the best I can and thats all anyone ever can do. God bless you...

nobody can help u but yourself it takes a while 2 get over u will have 2 learn 2 live without him

No. This is known as maladaptive grief and prof. help should be warranted for this adolescent.

Whatever emotions your son has are right, including anger. Try not to judge them, but be available to listen, commiserate, support. However, if you believe he is a danger to himself or others, get professional help fast. Let him tell you what he needs. His grieving for the loss of his father may be lifelong in various degrees. Direct his anger into physical activity like sports where he can develop some self-mastery and externalize his aggression: karate, swimming, boxing, etc. Good luck, your journey is a difficult one. Reach out for help if it becomes more than you can bear.

Okay, why would you force him to visit the grave if he doesn't want to? You need to quit that right now. I lost my dad at 16 and had no counseling until I was in my early twenties and it hurt my grades and my whole life. Of course he is mad, it's a stage of grief. Without a healthy outlet, like counseling, where he can talk about it in private without you, he's headed down a slippery slope that will affect his future.

Parents often think they can help their child through anything. And sometimes they can but sometimes they make it worse, like with making him go to the grave. Face it there are things he will NEVER share with you. He is a teen and needs to be in grief counseling or a bereavement support group with peers. If you have to drive 200 miles you take him. He may not want to go, but unless you want him turning to other outlets, like drugs, etc to ease the pain, take him. After he talks to kids his age going through it a few times, he will most likely return without a fuss.

PS- dont hide your grief ever. That only will cause him to feel more guilty for showing his.

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