Relentless grief. What does someone do?

I learned of my ex-love's death 5 months ago, and I am still reeling from it. So many unanswered questions and no one to talk to about it. I carry it around like a weight.

My husband does not know. I don't want to hurt him. I have two small boys that keep me busy and I attend college full-time. I know that I am focusing too much energy on his memory and am literally driving myself crazy.

I never knew that losing him could be this hard. Mainly because I lost him years ago. We had a long distance relationship that didn't make it. We were both young and immature. So many things I want to say to him. I always wished him a happy life and then I find out he dies of a drug overdose which is completely uncharacteristic of him. He was a good guy. Very loving and caring and only 39 years old when he passed away. Maybe I never got over him. I don't know why I am so racked by his death. It is difficult to rationalize.

It does not necessarily mean that you never 'got over him' or that you don't love your husband. Having someone die that you were once close to is shocking, particularly if they are still fairly young. It also brings us smack into the realization of our own mortality - and can certainly cause us to go misty with the 'remember whens and what-ifs'. Share your shock and disorientation with your husband - and share your perplexity as to why the death is affecting you this way. Do you have any unrealized dreams? Maybe you should dust them off and have a look to see if they are still relevant. If so, make a plan to realize them. If not, what are your dreams now? If you need to, make an appointment with a grief counselor (contact Hospice if you need a referral). It probably would only take a couple of sessions to clarify your feelings. Death is an unknown and there is no 'right or wrong' reaction to it. Best to you...

But you have to let it go. You were no longer with him and a lot can happen in time.

If it is disrupting your life, then you need to go to therapy. It shouldn't be making your crazy and obsessive.

It's the end of a part of your life and you're mourning it. Go ahead and mourn, for awhile. Then pick yourself up and realize you cannot change this no matter what you do or how you feel. Turn that energy into positive things for your husband and family. You'll get much love and healing in return.

Look in your yellow pages for a local grief & bereavement center in your area. If you can't find one...call United Way which is everywhere - and they will find you one in your area for you. I volunteer at one in Pittsburgh - and we do free phone counsels...you could talk to someone when he's not there - and...they could give you more ideas of ways to cope.

(((hugs)))

Girl when you get the answer to this question let me know okay because I too have been grieving the loss of a loved one for two months now and everyone says it gets easier, but I find as the days go by it gets harder and harder. I have people to talk to, but seriously how many times can I tell the same person the same thing no one can change the way I feel so I've just quit burdening people with my grief it sucks losing a loved one when you have so many unanswered questions and no way to get those answers. Good Luck I wish you the best.

You'l never have answers to your questions. If the depression continues to go on get professional help. (you can tell your husband that your just depressed in general)

the fact that you never resolved issues with him or had the opportunity to "save" his life may eat at you for long time. The heart and mind tend to dwell on unresovable issues for a long time. My marriage to my ex is the same she won't even talk to me and we share a daughter. (no i didn't cheat,beat her etc.)

I will always grieve that we could have fixed it if she had wanted to-she just didn't.so I can relate to a degree.

Let yourself grieve and it will pass. It's only natural. I went through something similiar. You just need to heal and you'll be okay. Death is a difficult thing.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Five months is not that long to still be grieving over someone. Especially if that someone meant so very much to you. It doesn't matter that the relationship ended so long ago.....he was still a very important part of your life. It is going to take some time, but you will eventually think of him less often every day. But, you will never forget. And you shouldn't even try.
Just keep your focus on your husband and your young children and thank God every day for them, but allow your grief to wane away at its own pace.
There is no need to tell hubby. It isn't like you were cheating on him with this other guy....and he is definitely not a threat to you now.

it takes time. the grieving process takes time, especially when you lose someone very close to you. i lost my best friend nearly 5 months ago as well, and it's still very hard, because i think about her all the time. it's really tough when you lose someone you care about. have you thought about counseling? since you attend college, maybe your school has a counseling service? most colleges do. if your school does, see if you can seek help there. otherwise, maybe you should seek counseling else where. i know it's hard, and i'm sorry i don't have a real useful answer...but....i go to counseling every week and it helps me a lot. of course i still miss her terribly, but the counseling is sort of ...soothing.

trust me, counseling can help you feel better. you can do it...