Am I experiencing delayed grief & mourning?

My grandmother, who I was very close to, died of cancer when I was 12. After she died I never cried but went on with my life as if she never existed. I have, however, suffered bouts of depression, anxiety and panic since then. Recently I found a picture of her and started remembering times we spent together when she was alive - which is nice - except that soon afterwards I became incredibly depressed, anxious and panicky, worse than I've ever felt in my life. I feel so sad and afraid I can't even leave my house. My fears seem so ridiculous. I'm afraid I'm going to get sick and die or suffer or be in pain. Does there seem to be a connection here? Could it be that I'm finally grieving her after 30 years (I'm 41 now.) I'm so confused I don't know what to do.

It is very possible you are grieving. It is hard for a 12 year old to cope with such a loss.

The mind is a funny thing in that it does not forget and sooner or later (in your case) it will allow you to grieve when it (your brain) thinks you can handle it.

Just try to go with the flow. If you feel like crying, cry - if you want to scream - scream. But sooner or later you will have to let yourself grieve. It will not just go away

What you are feeling is totally normal.When my first son was younger, my grandmother died. I was terrified of leaving the house.I didn't want my son to get hurt. Strange, I know. Then, when I lost my Dad, I went through such anger and grief..I worked for a rescue squad, and was constantly pulling mean, hateful drunks out of the ditch...I kept thinking, why not THEM, why my Dad? It was a horrible way to think, so I left the squad. I think our feelings of loss never go away, we loose so much. We didn't get time enough to spend with them.
The thing that helped me is one day, I had some religious group come to my door, they talked to me for a long time. I am not a normally religious person, but their words helped. I have since found the religion that is totally different from the norm, Also, I spoke to my doctor about my fears and grief, and was put on a mild antidepressant. It has helped me so much. If that is not your thing, there a support groups, books, web sights, all kinds of things that can help. I read a book called 'The Clan of the Goddess' by CC Bronwynn, I think. It helps me still. You don't have to be pagan, it just helps you deal, in a way that you can understand.
Talk to your doctor,your church, your best friend, your mom, anyone, talk about how you feel , talk about it allot. The more you release these feelings, the more they aren't as important or scary

It's normal, you're ok. I know that I typically react with numbness to situations like that, and then I have had the same type of breakdowns you have later on. It is a good sign, you're finally beginning to be able to reminisce and let her be remembered for the things she should be, not for her dying. Don't fear it. It gets better and better, until the point where you don't associate her as death.

What you have sounds like an anxiety disorder/panic disorder with depression.Have you seen your gp?Dont worry you are not going mad or dying.Has it been building up for a while?Sometimes if anxiety disorders are not treated early you can develop agrophobia,a soul destroying phobia but it is treatable.Im sure wherever your grandmother is she would hate to see you this way.Firstly get your diagnosis,doctors deal with this every day so tell them exactly whats going on.You could opt for counselling,hypnotherapy is quite good,before medication or you could combine the two.There are meds for anxiety/depression,you take em daily and feel the benefits in a few weeks but there are some side effects and it make take a few weeks to find one to suit you.If you get xanax or vallium on the short term beware cos these are highly addictive.Try to get into a more positive frame of mind,its hard i know,and talk to someone you trust about your feeling.Writing things down is also theraputic.Good luck to you

Situations affect people differently as well as at different times. You were young at the time and sure you understood, but it didn't affect you quite as much then. Yes it's beginning to finally hit you. I don't know you, but I'm wondering if maybe there is something going on in your personal life that has depressed you or have you lost others close to you recently or abundantly. If so, maybe this is what's making you fearful about your own health. I'm no specialist nor am I God so you can't depend on my thoughts and answers to your question. Pray about it and put it in the Lord's hand and all will be ok. There is so much going on in the world today that if we think and worry about it we will all go crazy, literally. The devil is very busy. Don't be afraid, we all have to go at sometime or another and until it's your time you're not going anywhere.

Considering if this was your first (close) loss of a family memeber this is extremely understandable.

Anytime we have brief instances of sadness (depression) we are causing that upon our selves in incidents like this - it's because we have to much time on our hands ;-)

You are (no offense) 41 years old and maybe fearing death yourself - reality could have hit (like in a mid life crisis) that you are no young teen anymore and are reflecting on people which would mourn you.

You may also be fearing death because you are afraid of losing someone (parents, sibling etc).

You are the only one which can snap yourself out of this. Find out why it's making you said and what your fear is and you can and will overcome this.