I have fought with a gambling problem, now, for three years. I've been told, by gamblers Annonymous, that I am beyond what they can do.
My body was barely starting puberty when I began taking massive amounts of drugs, and alcohol. Throw in the pubescent sexual-awareness tendencies that age brings about and the party-hard philosophy of the time(70's), I've never been able to get enough pleasure. My brain is constantly trying to find ways to make me feel or not-feel. I spend every waking minute orally fixated with cigarettes, and go from coffee with 4 shots of esp. and a ton of sugar, to beer, whisky, soda, junkfood, candy, salts, spicy foods, etc. I've been doing crank for 25 years, it only calms me down, now. I've recently discovered the money isn't why I gamble, it's the adrenaline rush...which is stronger when I lose and the more I lose and the more devastating to my life it is, the bigger the rush. I know I need professional help,( no insur. tho).Is there a clinic?Anybody? I can empathize with you. I am 32 this year. I have been to rehab. I've been a crack head/coke head. I am becoming increasingly agoraphobic (stay in my room most of the day). When stressed I incessantly pick at the hairs on my body to "groom" myself (obsessive-compulsive). These behaviours began when i was 16.
After having read alot of info and researched alot of different "diseases", I have discovered that I may be Attention Deficit. This explains the attention span problems but also implies my original need for "extra" stimulation. Each level of stimulation leads to the next "bigger and better" stimulant. Each layer adds to the level of anxiety being felt.
Much like an onion, this creates a series of layers that surround each otherand a central core. When dealing with each layer you must peel them off in order. Cause and Effect. Each layer magnifies the one below and conceals it at the same time.
For instance, in my case, The crack/cocaine was the final straw that made me seek help. I went to rehab and spent 6 months in Narcotics Anonymous before I understood what the habit was doing to me. Upon relapsing I went back to the next best thing, weed. Now a year later, after seeing how this behaviour affects me, I am removing the weed from my life and trying to rid myself of the behaviours that came with it.
Cause and Effect. One behaviour is used to mask another. If you do not peel one mask off you will not see yourself. But this may not be you yet. So you peel another mask off to see what is underneath.
I wish you the best of luck. People on our path have a lot of work ahead of us because of the work behind us. They say that you do not mature after the first addiction occurs. I'm a 16 yr old trying to live the life of a 32 yr old. Its hard but it better than the last 16 yrs have been. Short of a spiritual experience, you're a dead duck. You don't have much time. |
