How can I help an 11 year old who is non compliant, does not understand consequences and just does don't care

I have an adopted son who is having behavioral problems at home and at school! He was abused the first few years of his life and we adopted him as a foster child. When he turned 7 he began being defiant at school and started refusing to do his work and lies to his teacher and principle. He hides his homework and deliberately alters his assignment sheet so that he will not have to do work. He is in 6th grade now and he has had 7 detentions this year for disruptive behavior and non compliance.
At home we are firm and consistent with him but he steals and lies and is very sneaky about it. Once he spray painted our bedroom because he could not watch a movie. He sneaks out his window onto the roof in the middle of the night to steal things. He does not connect his actions with his consequences. He does not care if we take away play time, TV, video games or anything else. Behavior modification does not work. The only consequence that affects him is having to write sentences like I will behave at school and so forth. He hates to write them and will refuse for days and just sit in his room. He has been seeing a therapist and has been diagnosed as bipolar, stress disorder, adhd, and possible oppositional defiant or attachment disorder. We try our best to stay calm with him but it is a daily challenge. Our family, grandmother, aunts and uncles do not understand. Grandmother does not even want to see us if he is in trouble because she does not like it when he can not play or have treats with her

I am thinking maybe you could try family therapy. It seems as if no matter what you do he doesn't care about consequences. You need therapy to figure out how to handle him. He is getting to be a tough age. I hope you can begin to manage his behavior before he gets much older.
Good Luck

TRY AN OLD FASHOIN SPANKING.

i have a child just like that . I feel your pain and stess . I will pray for you , and your family

the identified patient may be acting-out something else
dysfunctional in your family
bet there are some other issues besides making junior the
scapegoat
check it out before little tad starts playing with the lighter
alcoholism, gambling, emotionally unavailable father, physically unavailable father, etc.
scapegoating beaver keeps the focus off the family
denial isn't a river in egypt

Not knowing how old he was when you adopted him doesn't help me tailor my response, but, if in the last 3-4 years you've kept a consistent LOVING routine at home: Set times and positive reinforcement for waking on time, making bed, grooming, eating breakfast as a family, doing chores - not for tangible rewards, but because he's part of the family, making him undo damage he's done by painting your room, or returning stolen property. You'll have to monitor his friends and resort to putting an alarm on his window. Are you letting him watch TV or use video games only AFTER performing chores or doing homework? If you are doing all these things consistently (because even one transgression sets parents back months) - then you may need to put him on medication. If he is already on medication, perhaps the dosage or combination needs changing. If all else fails, you may wish to consider one of the "boot camp" options available. There are many resources online, but it's difficult to separate the wheat fromthe chaff....good luck.

It's tough to fight family in addition to attempting to help your son. I had 2 very defiant, troublesom nephews that always ended up at my house when mom and grandma didnt know what to do anymore. I had a few simple, common sense rules. Eg. no candy one hour bfore mealtime so you wont spoil your appetite. No destruction of anything, etc. Whenever possible, I attached natural consequences to unwanted behaviors. For example, if you werent ready to go to school when I left you had to walk ( and better not be late). If you mess up something you clean it up. If you steal something, aside from a good talk, we go and talk to a counselor at the juvenile detention center so you can make an informed decision if you want to go that way. If you dont do your homework you get bad grades, etc. My son, as well as his cousins are now grown, one is in the Navy, one is studying to become a psychologist and on to be a teacher. The simple philosophy of turning things into learning experiences rather then trying to punish unwanted behaviors served them well. Good Luck with your son.

You didn't mention what consequences he faces when he misbehaves, or if you've put him on medication. I would limit tv and video games where those are privelages he has to earn. I mean NONE unless he BEHAVES. Also use liberal praise whenever he does something good. But quick, firm, and assertive when he does something bad, but just as quick with forgiveness when he faces consequences. For instance, give him timeouts (30 minutes), where he is not allowed to talk or do anything but sit or lie down. This is time he's supposed to be thinking about what he's done. When the time is up, explain why he was in timeout and why the behavior isn't acceptable. I always tell my son in terms so he understands its in his own best interest to behave. Then go on as if nothing has happened.
The praise helps boost their self esteem, but being fair with timeouts (or other reasonable punishments) tells him you're not a pushover either.
I would also take a very hard look at his diet. Food allergies have been linked to all manner of behaviors in children. He might have food allergies. Cut out all processed foods for a week including food with dye and chemicals and see if he doesn't start behaving.