Would you still talk to a sister who sexually abused you when you were 7, thats inviting me round for xmas ?

im 30 now, i have borderline personality.....alots happened to me in my life, bullying, abuse, sexual abuse.

ive not spoke to my sister for years because ive distanced myself from my family except my mum with whom im close.

i was first sexually abused at 3 by non blood relatives, when i was lying in my cot........then at 7 i can remember feeling aroused by my sister when we were in the house alone.....intercourse happened twice.

all my life i never told anyone except my mum months ago, who was surprised, said she never knew.

i live alone...have never made any friends in life ever....have no one to turn to except my mum and my sisters from once in a blue moon....but as i said....i distanced myself from them.

an hour ago, my elder sister gave me a ring and sounded all chirpy, inviting me around for xmas for tea, dinner etc....she asked me how iam and has always been nice towards me really...except when i talk about my misfortunes in life...in which she aportions blame

she kind of talks down to me to...

anyhow she invited me for xmas and said she really wanted me to go.

but after what happened when i was a kid...should i ? should i forgive
and forget ?

Although what you are feeling is painful, you may be relieved to know your feelings are perfectly normal and you are not alone.

As for the confrontation there are many opinions, however this article called "Disclosure and Confrontation: Considerations for Survivors" by Ken Singer may be quite helpful-

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPage...

Part 2 deals with confronting the perpetrator.

You can also find that your story is similar to others if you visit the MaleSurvivor discussion board -

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...

It is always difficult when dealing with relatives, because not everything they do is bad and we still want to love them, but the pain they cause always seems to override these things.

Good luck, and although the journey is difficult I know you can do it.

I did it and I figure that if even I can do it then anyone must be able to.

Cheers!

Never talk to her ever again.

maybe this is the time, what happened sounds awful, and I happilly cant say what you feel like. Maybe this is time to meet some new friends and maybe even a girl? I recommend visiting a class to help you cope with what happened. Its christmas right? If you cant do something at christmas, when can you?

personaly i'd tell her to go and run and jump, but you must do what you feels right, if you're not comfortable in her company then no it'll ruin your christmas

no i wouldnt go and ask her not to ring you again
join some groups or do some hobbys so you can start making new friends

Intercourse happened twice? Sounds like you enjoyed it just as much as she did. What happened is very unfortunate, but you have to quit blaming what happened twenty three years ago. I'm not saying what your sister did was right, and I can't blame you for not wanting to talk to her, but you should consider seeing professional help.

How old was your sister when this occurred? It is very possible that she was abused sexually too and if she was very young when she did it to you, she may not have realized how wrong it was.

Are you in therapy? If so, discuss this with your therapist, he or she may be able to help you work through this. I don't think we have enough details to know what to say.

If you are not in therapy, I suggest getting a therapist so that you can get the help that you need and deserve.

I am glad that you are so close to your mum and I wish you a blessed Christmas regardless of how you choose to celebrate.

hi i would leave things the way they are and get on with your life keep in touch with your mum ,

don't let people push you around, they feel good around you because they feel like they are better than you in some way. and they are all responsible for the way they treat you, and when you talk about things that have happened in your life, she might feel crappy about hers and not care about what youre feeling.

I hate the way people act. You also need to learn self-defense and put yourself on a rigorous workout schedule, if you can protect yourself, your animal instincts will know and can finally let their guards down.

i dont know how you could EVER talk to her again or let alone forgive her. My mom was sexuall abused when she was very young, and her mother would actually get her to give some guy across the street oral sex just to get milk because they were kinda poor, and my mom had to do this stuff because she was so young she didnt have a choice. Its awful, i cant imagine what its like for the person that has gone through that to be able to face that person, because i am not even the person that has had to deal with that kind of thing ever, and i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I feel so awful for ppl involved in those situations. Please never talk to her ever again she should be charged. she doesnt deserve your forgiveness

I have not seen my sister for over 11 years and i too have received an out of the blue invite for Christmas. It is difficult to know what to do as there is a load of issues and hurt.
What about going for a short time, not the whole day. See how you feel afterwards, Christmas Day is not the time to talk about the past. But it does need to be addressed with your sister, if you get an apology and understanding then you can move on. If you feel she is still trying to control you and has no understanding of the hurt caused, then I would not have any relationship with her. You need to control this situation and make sure it is on your terms. Good luck.

Me personally no I wouldn't, It's a difficult question to answer but if it was serious abuse I think you should think about talking to the police.

Please seek counseling with a professional therapist. Your problem is too deep and complex to be dealt here.

Forgive and forget for I suspect most of us did things that were immoral when we were young. She may well require foregiveness so meet her. If thngs do not work out then you can avoid further contact.

If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go. Seems she doesn't respect your need to explain yourself and where you are now in life, of which she has played her part. Why waste your valuable time with someone who makes you feel so uncomfortable? Never do anything out of neediness (you are lonely). It doesn't do you any favours.

If you want to talk to her, do it on your own schedule. Seems you aren't particularly bonded to her anyway, which isn't surprising. So, concentrate on what you do have - your Mum.

Good luck and Merry Christmas, whatever you decide x.

PS. I also think you need professional counseling. It does work.

I would stay away, if you must meet her make it on neutral ground or somewhere you feel more in control.

Don't do it now, Proteus, you don't sound ready, that is, it doesn't seem that you are meeting up with your sister under careful guidance. You're still asking such basic, bewildering questions, that it doesn't seem to me that you have ever worked this out with a counsellor at all, never mind in joint counselling with your sister. I don't think it's safe at all to go see her when you're seething with this unresolved issue (which can't just be reasoned away, as some of the other answerers seem to suggest). It's cruel, especially now, when you're so horribly alone. But careful. I would say stay the heck away until both of you have taken reasonable steps with a professional third party. That applies even if she has invited fifty other people.

By the way, I have just found out that Karate dojos and martial arts clubs can really turn into danged good families and brotherhoods. I was at a Christmas banquet last night, and they dang-well spoiled me. I only slipped up and mentioned my situation, in three words, to just one person. If I were strong enough to do all that running and hollering and jumnping about, and if I had a permanent address, I would settle into one of those clubs, and go the four-year stretch for a black belt in something. If you can stop talking about your problems with friends AND strangers alike, find the club in your neighbourhood and do it. It's nothing like boxing clubs and weight-training gyms, really not. Entire families attend. People of all ages. Try it soon. I want to hear good news from you, Dr. Pro, I need that. Please, man!

Sever ALL contact with her, see the police/a solicitor to take some sort of legal action against her. She may have evn done something similar to others.

my oh my........


hey do not have anything to do with her, until you confront her about what she did, ask her why she done it, remind her you remember, tell her how you feel, and tell her she was so very wrong.

Talk to your mum, tell her exactly how you feel, and tell the rest of the family what happened, and most of all go tell your Dr, so your Dr, can put you in touch with some people who may be able to help you, with counselling and therapy.

As for going to your sisters for Xmas, well only you can decide, but as an outsider, i would say go, and address the past issues, at least it would be a Xmas to remember, but then again i would say stay at home, keep out if it, enough tears have been shed,,,,, wait till new year,,,, have a new start

Good luck for the future,,,,,,

I am sure anyone on here that works in social care or in the medical profession would agree with me when i say that there are very few cases of continued sexual abuse outside of a family setting.

Also you and and your sister seem to have been very sexualised at a young age, this occurs through sexual abuse. It would be against the norm if your mother did NOT know of abuse in some way. There are very few cases (if any if you ask people who work in this field) of members of the family especially the mother that had no incline to sexual abuse.

You and your sister obviuosly did not grow up in a normal environment therefore the two of you are victims.

I would also like to say that the last thing victims of sexual abuse involving family members want is for that person to be taken away from them. What they really want is a relationship with that person minus sexual abuse i.e. they want a normal relationship.

I think you need to be there for your sister and she needs to be there for you.

I was abused by my cousin when i was 12 until i was 15 I am 19 now and haven't spoken to him or half my family since I disclosed what happened to me. If they were the last people on earth and i needed someone i would rather be alone than turn to them. i don't know your feelings on this but theres no way i would ever advice you to go after such horrible things this girl done to you whether she is family or not please do not spend christmas with someone so mean and evil. good luck to you in whatever you do and merry christmas i hope you can have a nice time you deserve it after suffering for years