I'm really losing it over my baby's autism diagnosis, how do I keep it together?

I am a mess. My baby boy who was happy, healthy and meeting all his milestones suddenly came down with autism. He was just diagnosed. He lost his speech, bangs his head and rocks, stares at wheels on cars and will line up shoes all day if you let him. He covers ears and screams at loud noises and I can't get him in the tub cause he freaks out so bad. He does not even respond to his name. I am so angry and filled with grief. The only relief I have is when I sleep. When I first wake up, I think I dreamed it and then I realize that this really is happening. I feel suicdal but I have to live to help him. We are starting therapy for him which will be twice a day. I took him to a birthday party and he did not interact with the kids and wanders off and stares at something odd and tries to lick it. My eating disorder has returned and I am such a mess. Husband in denial about his condition. Can't call mental health as all my time needs to go to help Danny. Any advice?

Make time, when he is sleeping or get a qualified babysitter, or your husband to watch him. Then make the call to a psychiatrist and any support groups. Find out all you can about this condition. Everyone needs a break from their baby's now and then. When you get those breaks, go to the meetings,etc.Also, talk to his Therapist, they should have good suggestions that will help you. I can see how this would be hard to deal with. I hope things get better. I'm sure they will improve, some. Your husband also needs the psychiatrist. GL


Edit: I had a doctors appointment. So I had to make my answer short, earlier. I know (because I'm going to be a mom soon, too.), that we all want the best for our children. He may not be what is considered "normal". HOWEVER, you can ALL still be a loving and happy family. I have always thought that children with disabilities have so much to offer. Given love, patience and understanding they can give you so much joy and love. Counseling will help you both to deal with his medical condition. You may also want to study and apply positive thinking techniques. We all have expectations of what life should be. It is seldom that way. What we can do is try to make the best with our circumstances. I really hope this helps. Best wishes for all of you.

DON'T go through this alone, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Visit http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageS... and find out how you can get into a support group. I feel for you. Good luck.

Find a support group. Also talk to people, friends, family, etc. Good luck.

First of all, let me say this: autism is NOT the end of life. It is a different kind of life for you , your husband AND your child. He is still with you and with all the advances being made in the treatment of autism disorders there is much reason for hope. Remind yourself of this .... a cancerous tumor or incurable physical disease that would result in death is so much, much worse. You MUST gain perspective on this if you are going to come to terms and be of help to your child. Your comment that you don't have time for mental health help for yourself is ridiculous ... if you lose it or become mentally ill yourself what good will you possibly be to your son? In order for your son to be best cared for, you and your husband must take care of yourselves. There are many support groups out there for parents of autistic children and I strongly urge you to join one or more of them. The support and encouragement of others traveling the same road that you and your husband and child will travel is beyond measure in it's value. The fact is, your child is different than you dreamed he would be. He has serious problems, but they ARE manageable and they are not fatal. The fact that you say you are suicidal worries me much more than your child's disorder. He is receiving help, whereas you are not. You must get yourself some professional counseling to deal with your own problems while you are helping your child. I canNOT stress enough that if you do not take care of your own personal mental health problems you will be worthless to your son. Doesn't your son deserve the best possible mother that you can be? Of course he does. Now, hard as it seems, you must suck it up and do what needs to be done, for you and for him. You feel overwhelmed because you are not dealing with yourself. Once you begin down the road of taking care of what must be, you will find that you feel much more in control of your life and much more able to deal with the curve balls that come with living. I expect your husband will deal a lot better once he sees that you are managing (right now, in his view, his wife has lost it and his son is a mess) and his child is being given the best possible treatment. Best of luck and God Bless.

Contact your local early intervention or school system depending on his age so that he can get services right away. This may also help you get some much needed rest if you are home with him during the day. Many men find themselves in denial especially regarding diagnoses in their sons. He will come around. I would try to load up on all the information and resources possible in your state. You didn't list it so I can't tell you what direction to go in. Depending on your income you may also qualilfy for SSI. That may help ease the burden on working full time (if you do) and offsetting cost of therapies.

Do not fret, you have an early diagnosis the outcome will be better for him since you are starting therapies for him while he is still a baby. Early intervention is key. I have a 5 year old who also is on the spectrum. You will see improvements after you start the therapies they have made great changes in my child. He is the smartest kid in the class loves being around other kids, actually interacts with them more and he was diagnosed this year. I strongly urge you to join a local support group for autism try the autism society website or autism speaks. They can help out alot with giving you a place to vent and seek answers and solutions and great way to make friends and find playmates that your child can relate to all without being judged. They totally get when a child is having a meltdown or an issue. Remember autism does not have to be tragedy. Your husband will see the light and get it eventually pretty much all dads go through their own denial just give him time and be patient him will come around just do not push him he does have a right to grieve in his own way.

I agree with I think everything else everyone here has said, especially the caring for yourself part. My sister has a child who is on the Autism Spectrum. He is 3 now and is coming along so very, very much. He is becoming extremely verbal and highly engaging. He's really quite charming and wonderful. I have a daughter who was born completely normally, but at 12 1/2 months contracted bacterial meningitis, lost most of her left foot and 4 left fingertips and now has cluster disabilities/brain damage/non-verbal learning disorders as a result. She can read and write extremely well, but math and other abstract thinking is incredibly difficult for her. She tests out with a 71 IQ, but anyone who works with her can see that this is inaccurate and in no way a real (or even really helpful) expression of who she is or what she can do. She writes the most amazing poetry and draws incredibly beautiful pictures of people and animals.

There are never any guarantees in this life. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime, so the thing to do is love each other, no matter what shape we're all in all the time, b/c who knows what's going to happen next? You have every right to be "so angry and filled with grief", but you will find over time that these feeling states do not serve longterm, they are just a part of the grieving process. Early intervention is absolutely key and he will no longer be eligible for it the day he turns 3 in most states. My sister fought for 30 hours a week for her child, and got it. She would not take "No." for an answer, and I am so proud of her, b/c her husband is still in total denial and they are not together anymore over these issues and others. She did this all virtually all by herself and the positive gains in her child speak for themselves. You MUST call mental health, b/c if you don't advocate for and help yourself, who will? If you get so sick that you can't take care of yourself, who do you think is going to help your child then? This is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a race you'll be running, or perhaps better said, walking for the rest of your life perhaps. Be gentle, but continue on. It is and was helpful for me to talk to and see other parents of children w/ disabilities, too. Whenever we go to Shriner's for a new prosthetic, I am again humbled and given some perspective about exactly what families of disabled children go through each and every day of their lives. This is not a tragedy, it's just your life. I saw a woman w/ two children who needed appliances (1 a walker, 1 a wheelchair) to get around. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had two children w/ disabilities. To be honest, I don't want to imagine it, but like I said, there aren't any guarantees. I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain right now. It will pass, and then come up again, pass and then come up again. It will never totally leave, but ask yourself this: "Will you take this child, no matter what happens to him or to you, to love and to care for, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward until death do you part???" Because that is what we are all asked to do, each day we are mothers. I think Mary, Jesus' mother, embodied that action, that love, that sentiment better than almost anyone. She had visions as to what would befall her son while she was still pregnant with him. She went through with it anyway. Think of all the 3,000++ mothers who have lost children in the Iraq war. No guarantees. The good news is that you will have your son probably for all your lives and that his condition varies widely and that there is incredible hope for children w/ autism, many of whom are quite brilliant and gifted. You simply have to find the keys to unlock his doors and let those gifts out. We all stand here ready to help you in any way we can, just continue to reach out like you are! What state do you live in btw? Research Parent to Parent. They are an amazing organization that offers help and hope and a parenting partner to anyone who asks them to. I live in VT and my sister lives in MA. Either of us can help you get hooked up w/ services. I also have a lot of experience w/ CA Social Services and Early Intervention Programs, especially in Placer and Nevada Counties. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

May the gods and goddesses richly bless you, as they already have many times! Some of the gifts of this are that 1) You will learn so much from this experience, as will everyone around you. 2) You will learn how much you are worth and how very strong you are. 3) You will learn to take care of two of the Goddess' most vulnerable creatures, a child w/ disabilities and yourself. Only the very strong are given this opportunity. Most mothers of disabled children (and many fathers, too!) are a special breed and this gift is given only to very special people. You will learn to see this over time.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. This life is NOT about perfection. Ask yourself, or your wisest friends, what a good life well-lived really and truly looks like.

I used to work with autitstic children and i can understand. Its very hard to deal with its very frustrating and i give parents of autistic children so much freakin credit. Please get some help and dont try to endure it alone,.

You have got to get a grip. Obsessing over an autism diagnosis is not productive for you and especially not for your child. There is an essay by an autistic individual - actually, it's from a speech he gave years ago titled "Don't Mourn For US"
It should give you some perspective. I really urge you to read it.

Also, your child is so young...why worry so much? Your child will mature and develop only not on a typical child's schedule but on his own. To echo a previous answerer - autism is not the end of life! Your child needs you to be strong right now not fall apart. Remember that when things are hard on you, they are far more difficult for him. Seek help to ensure your mental health is in balance if you need to but get over the greiving now.