Dementia care experts only please.?

Hi. dont get this wrong. i value everyones opinion, but need an expert with dementia care to answer my question. Last night my Dad was sleeping, he woke up and asked his caregiver where my Mom was. She passed away in May, but the caregiver told him that she had gone away with me somewhere. When I found out she had done this, I was furious. I told her under no circumstances should she lie about my Mom's death. That I felt Dad would only be confused more because who knows what he remembers and doesnt remember and I dont want him to feel like we are hiding Mom somewhere from him.Yes he was at the funeral etc, but having dementia he doesn't always except that she is gone. The caregiver said she told him that because she didnt want to get him upset when he was trying to go back to sleep. I still dont think she handled the situation properly. What was the best way for this situation to be taken care of? Thanks.

ok.. so now that Dad did ask me today where mom is.. was I suspose to lie and say she was out with the caregiver?

I agree with you, that the caregiver shouldn't have lied. I am surprised that the nurses here said that the reality practice is upsetting to the client. I agree with you that "who knows what he remembers and doesn't remember". In a lucid moment, a lie could cause even more confusion than the dementia.
Death is always a touchy subject, and some people try so hard to avoid talking about it. Rather than dwell on your mother's death, I would set up a memory album of photos with clear labels or short stories, about your parents' good times. If you leave it where your Dad can see it and enjoy it, it can be a simple diversion when your Dad gets to asking about your Mom. Gently stating the truth about her passing is the kindest thing and most respectful of all to do (in my opinion). It is true he might grieve again, so console and support all over again!! I have grieved a lost one time and again when I thought of them, and I don't have dementia. The caregiver did the best she could think of in the situation at hand. Have a family meeting and discuss how you want your Dad's care handled, and pass those wishes on to the caregiver. Becoming furious doesn't do anyone any good, but working together with that same energy will make your Dad's environment and his care a community effort. Dementia is difficult for everyone - the client, the family and the caregivers.

I think the caregiver handled it quite well. Your father won't even remember what she said in the morning...likely he won't even remember that he asked about his dead spouse. Short term memory gets worse and worse as Dementia progresses. She was right to try to avoid something that could upset him in the night when he needed to sleep. During the day, it is perfectly acceptable to keep trying to re-orient him to reality by reminding him of pertinent facts, but in the middle of the night? when he isn't likely to remember it the next morning? why do that to him? Your caregiver was right, you are obsessive and need to back off a little. Learn more about dementia, there is tons of stuff out there. Just remember that you can tell him the truth a thousand times a day, and he isn't going to remember it, he is only going to remember what is in his long term memory. Why make him suffer a thousand times a day?

I've worked with alzheimer's patients quite a lot, and if you tell them someone died, (even if it was years ago) they start greiving all over again. They no longer teach us to do reality orientation with dementia patients.

She did, I would not tell him either, they get very emotional and confused. My mother has early stages of dementia from her PD and my best friend's father had PD with sever dementia and his father would always tell my friend Joe that he had to get to work, which he hadn't worked in over 20 yrs, one night around midnight his dad walked out the front door in his pj's and Joe found him halfway up the block, asked him what he was doing, he said he had to go pick up Joes sister who had died 3 yrs prior, Joe said "dad, she is home sleeping, she doesn't need you to come get her" he said "oh okay, and went home with Joe."
Joe never said "dad my sister is dead" that would only upset and confuse him. Professionals know what they are doing, this lady was in the right with this. It is best not to confuse a person further or upset them. They become very frustrated and can lose their temper if they get upset. I have seen it first hand and it can get pretty ugly!!
Thank her, don't be mad. I understand you don't want to lie to dad, but if he remembers one minute and forgets the next, it is okay- go with what he believes at the time.
My condolences to you- and thanks for looking out for your dad, you are a great daughter and I can tell you love him with all your heart. You want what is best for him and from the sounds of it, he has it. trust the careperson- she sounds like she knows what to do and when to do it.

I am very sorry for your experiences. Not being ugly, but you yourself need help in dealing with the loss of your dad. He is not what you expect him to be and ignoring the serious side of his demential is noe helping anyone. If telling your dad that his wife is out at the time will cause him to be more peaceful than donot try to explain the horrible experience again and then he will probably ask you again shortly after. Your father needs to have his surroundings as they have always been used to, donot redecorate or move objects around. If it makes him feel reassured that he talks about the past then allow him the happiness. The dementia is a cruel disorder but allow your father to talk and if it is the past, then so be it. he will be happy. Most people donot tolerate alot of turbulance or busy work or someone trying to get them to do something just because you feel they should. He needs regularity in his life. He may enjoy a small walk or wheelcare ride outside. He will see and smell and possibly smile or he may want to go in. In these cases, remember your father's safety if foremost/ Your caregiver was correct of what she handled things. I would highly suggest that you contact the local Alzhiemers Association. They are so very helpful. They will help you to understand not only what your father is experiencing and what is going to happen as times go by. It is so so difficult to look at the person that has always been around to protect us and be strong for us. Now, he needs you to try and be strong for him. Enjoy each other, whether he gives you the correct answers or not. He has a soul and so do you and nothing will ever separate that so love him and also accept the help that you need. You will not be able to get through this alone, accept the help you need. Speak with his doctor and have him to tell you want to expect and how to get the assistance that you will need. I am so sorry that you are facing this, hold tight to the love and keep things as familiar as possible. The alzheimers group is wonderful. They are not pushy and will provide you with information that will help you. Just one other thought that I want to express is that the amount of love between you dad and you will be so wonderful that it is difficult to put into words. May God Bess you Both and allow some experiences that you would never trade. My best friend of 30 years passed away with complications but when I sang "Jesus Loves Me to her, I saw the love in her eyes" She was my closest Soul friend that God Blessed me with her presence. Take care of yourself, so that you may continue to care for and love him as he has loved you. Bless you. You are Special.

Well, to tell you the truth, the caregiver did the right thing. It would be wrong to upset the patient. Many times if you tell the patient that the person passed away, it does upset them and it can lead to them crying uncontrollably or them getting very upset, possibly violant. My own father had Alzheimers and always used to ask me where his ex wife was, even though she had died a number of years prior to his diagnosis. The doctors told us that it is better to comfort them with a white lie, then to tell them the truth and upset them. Trust your caregivers and trust that they know what they are doing.