Dementia care experts only please?

Hi. dont get this wrong. i value everyones opinion, but need an expert with dementia care to answer my question. Last night my Dad was sleeping, he woke up and asked his caregiver where my Mom was. She passed away in May, but the caregiver told him that she had gone away with me somewhere. When I found out she had done this, I was furious. I told her under no circumstances should she lie about my Mom's death. That I felt Dad would only be confused more because who knows what he remembers and doesnt remember and I dont want him to feel like we are hiding Mom somewhere from him.Yes he was at the funeral etc, but having dementia he doesn't always except that she is gone. The caregiver said she told him that because she didnt want to get him upset when he was trying to go back to sleep. I still dont think she handled the situation properly. What was the best way for this situation to be taken care of? Thanks.

And when Dad asked me today where Mom was...what was I suspose to do? Lie too, or tell him the truth?

There are two main schools of thought...one is to spare the patient the "pain" of reliving a memory. The other school of thought is to continue to reinforce the truth...for the very reason you said...to prevent confusion.

My personal belief...especially if you are trying to promote greater social interaction, is to be consistent above all else. I think it's pretty hard to be consistent if you are continuting to hide the truth.

So what ever you do, do it consistently and lovingly.

I work at a nursing home and am often on the dementia unit daily for at least a period of time. And used to work on a dementia unit. I know it seems wrong to "lie" to your dad but this was probably in his best interest, if you say mom is dead, don't you remember chances are good that he will grieve the loss not remembering he was at the funeral and he will be blue for days thinking his wife just died. If you just say mom went with your daughter he thinks OK she is safe, we have situations like this often at my place on employment and we do the same thing. It's lying and it's hard but yet it's not lying. I know it seems impossible to be kind of lying. But your dad would be misserable if he was told the truth. If your dad asks you where mom is say she is out and about running errands or she is at the lake or whatever just so he doesn't grieve his wives death all over again!

The nurse did the right thing. To get him back to sleep, she was just comforting him with what he wanted to hear.

When he has more lucid times, you can remind him that your mother passed away. Keep the photo album nearby if you have pictures or obituaries of the funeral and let him look through them.

In my opinion, it is more stressful on the caretaker and on him to have it re-explained to him everytime he forgets. I'm assuming the caretaker has had experience with this sort of thing, and even if not, her intentions were good in trying to keep him calm so he could go back to sleep.

If he keeps insisting on asking about her, YOU need to be the one to explain what happened. You are family and he'll want to hear it from you. He needs reassurance from family in those times, and if he breaks down at the news, you should be there to comfort him. He doesn't see things as we do, and will forget time and time again.

Just apologize to the caretaker and explain a better way to console him at those times. I know it's hard on you, but he'lll need more compassion as time goes on. Don't expect too much from him. He may or may not remember tomorrow what the caretaker said. In his mind, each time he asks, it's a new question. I wish you luck.

people with dementia are tough to deal with. when they are upset and confused there is no way of re-orienting them to the here and now. if he asked where his wife was then obviously he wasn't remembering what had happened to her. The aide was right to try to calm him down the easiest way possible. if you try to re-orient a person with dementia you will just frustrate them and make them more enraged to find out. if she hadn't calmed him down he may have tried to get up really fast and hurt himself or even try to leave and try to find her. people with dementia can be very violent and strong and he could have over powered her or even hurt her.

I had a patient that kept reliving a horrible event where she watched both of her parents die by getting hit by a car. Everynight she would wake up screaming and asking where her mom and dad were. She thought she was 12 again and crossing the street with her grandfather. I would tell her that everything was allright and that she was fine. Then she would start asking about her parents and grandparents. I would tell her that they were fine also and that if anything were to happen that she would be the first to know. This wasn't the truth but it calmed her down enough that we didn't have to give her Ativan to make her go to sleep. (I don't believe in drugging people up.)