How do you deal with the frustration of dementia?

My elderly mother and father live with me, my husband and our three teenage sons. My father has dementia. He is a difficult stage right now because he is lucid enough to be able to object to any kind of help we suggest to him. He was never a reasonable man so now when he is difficult as a result of the dementia it's really hard not to feel impatient with him. If he had always been an easy going person, then it would be easy to see the difference between the man and the illness, now it's just the same cantankerous person, only he doesn't remember anything past 5 minutes, is incontinent but in denial about it so he won't wear incontinence underwear, and gets really nasty with my mother over just about anything. She could have someone in the home to give them advice, but he won't accept that they need any. He refuses to have an operation on his prostate ( which is huge) and would help with the incontinence. I could go on.
Anyone with any tips to stay sane?

If you have not done it already, go to Amazon or some other book seller and order a copy of The 36 Hour Day. This is -the- manual and strategy book for people dealing with people afflicted with dementia. This is an essential tool for dealing with Alzheimer's or dementia of all types and stages. Have everyone in the family who is a caregiver read the book.

http://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzhei...

Also consider joining an online support group. One that I find helpful is alt.support.alzheimers which is available on any newsreader like Outlook Express or via Google Groups. There are numerous very smart people there who can answer your questions and give you practical support for dealing with AD & dementia. If he incontinent he needs to wear adult pants - get the slip on kind and insist he wear them. It may take some time to get used to them but it sure beats cleaning up after him 24/7.

Make sure you have a full power of attorney and medical power of attorney. This is extremely important - critical. Tell him you need these papers filled out so he can continue to live with you. After reading the book make sure you learn the art of fibbing with a purpose. You can not reason with a demented person because their brain is broken and unable to reason. You have to make all the decisions then tell the afflicted person whatever needs to be said to accomplish your goals. Do not discuss serious issues and do not argue with him since neither does any good. Work with his Dr to get the surgery scheduled and just have him sedated if necessary. Yes all this is easier said than done. Fortunately my demented relative is a tiny woman who is usually cooperative rather than a man. Men with dementia often cause many more problems than women.

good luck - been there & doing that

Put him in a home, reason with him somehow that it would be
'for the best', you need you life back, best wishes.

I feel for you. You do not mention why he has dementia, what is it from ? congenital, or Alzheimer's? The best way to deal with this is to know more about his condition. There are many support groups on the Internet , books, your doctor, etc.. that will help immensely. The more you understand his condition the less anxiety you will feel. Also, to put myself in his shoes, to be somewhat lucid still and have a condition that is mentally debilitating is very scary and his reactions to normal life situations as you describe is very understandable. Just think that you know that you are getting more mentally challenged yet, you can't do a thing about it is frightening. You can't understand what he is doing because it is not meant to be understood. If he states he does not want to do this or that and it makes no sense, it is because his frame of reference is growing smaller and smaller each day. His ability to cognitively deal with things is getting less and less so his anger is growing because he knows this. Frustration will be the number one emotion if you let it be. Instead of getting frustrated trying to figure out something that makes no sense, (and it won't make sense ever), try to deal with it by making him as comfortabel as possible. Deal with what you can control and not with what you can't control. Good luck