My memory impaired M-I-L refuses to allow caregivers to assist with showers what can I do?

My mother in law 75 with Alzheimers requires assistance showering as she recently had a total hip replacement (about 9 weeks ago now) and is not supposed to bend certain ways. We have already had one slippage and don't want another one. My father in law can't help because he just had cancer surgery. So I have hired a CNA to come in to assist with showering both MIL and FIL. All she does with MIL is to do her lower legs, then steps out and allow MIL to do own shower. However MIL doesn't remember that she is to receive help, and refuses when they come to help telling them she is fine and can do it on her own. I am tired of repeating myself to her and telling her that she does need some assistance because of the surgery. I just want her to be safe until FIL is better and able to assist in case of an emergency, which will be about three more weeks. They cannot live with us so that is out of the question. Two years of being on call 24/7 is taking it's toll on me. Any suggestions?

I went through a simillar process with my M-I-L who had alzheimers, however she was a widow, who lived with us and I was the one trying to help with her shower.

I used a display book with plastic envelope pages to hold a timetable for her.

Each day listed what day it was, who she would be seeing and what she would be doing.

Eg. 7.30 get up and go to toilet
8.00 Choose clothes for day, *** to help
8.30 Shower, *** to help if needed
8.45 Get dressed, *** to help if needed
etc.

Then I would "help" by standing behind the semi-closed door and reciting step-by-step what she needed to do and handing her things in order.

If you refer to the carer as "nurse" the phrase "nurse to help" may work.

If she is already beyond reading, try using pictures instead!

MIL remained able to read until well advanced, we just enlarged the print and that seemed to work.

Good luck!

my sister is going through the same thing . her miL is in the same position and she has a 24 hr nurse and she says the nurse is stealing from her and you have to watch her according to m.i.l . well my sister is at her witts end as well . so they have decided to let the nurse give her sponge baths . This is costing my sister and her husband a fortune too. good luck to you . Maybe the sponge bath is a solution for you too untill the f.i.l is better . good luck .

Oh, I have so been there. One of the hardest things is coming to grips with the fact that they just can't remember anything current. Nothing. Nada. It's not that they're beeing obstreperous - they're no longer in control. It's SO hard to give up the illusion that she's still "really in there" and just being stubborn. When my mom started putting her insulin behind the sofa cushsions and the ice cream in the micro and sliced onions in the tin-foil drawer.. well, you get the picture, along with removing all of the stove control knobs.

Sorry, I digress. You need another care giver. Right now it's not your MIL, it's the caregiver drawing lines where they don't need to be drawn. Go back to the original contract - make sure all services are clearly spelled out and evaluate the caregiver weekly for compliance - many places have no idea a caregiver is slacking off unless they hear about it.

Good luck. Been there.

I did this for my mother for many years. You just have to be firm and insist in many circumstances. Most of all (for yourself) don't dramatize things---this is how the care professionals get through it. Be businesslike about the awkward moments---but be reassuring. Women are experts at doing this, don't worry.
Bathtimes are crucial at this stage of life -- ESPECIALLY for women. If she doesn't get a proper bath regularly, she could get a deadly urinary tract infection, which could lead to blood poisoning. And, if soap isn't rinsed off her properly, her skin could really suffer, too.
Be supportive as you can, and be routine as you can about this---but bathing for an elderly female is crucial, as well as safety during bathing. Think of each bath as a milestone, and have some sort of treat planned for yourself afterwards.
This situation can go on for years---you need to pace yourself. But her care and her life are depending on you being there -- you will be very glad, later, that you did your duty as a loved one.

I can understand what you are going thru. I worked at an Alzheimers facility and it can be very stressful. Repeating yourself is aa waste of time because they do not remember anything you say, they have forgotten it before you are done saying it.
Maybe try writing notes, if she can still read and understand.