If ive suffered bullying, sexual abuse, abuse throughout my life could it be the cause why as an adult i?

struggle to assert myself ?

i'm also timid, have very low self worth, i'm subserviant, submissive & allow myself to be controlled.

my dad has always been controlling, authoritarian, domineering....and ive always felt under his control.....even now, with me being 30, he still makes me feel im still a small child and that he controls me.

as a kid i was close to him, but when i went into my teens and i developed my mental problems ( borderline personality disorder ) we drifted apart and there was conflict....there was big gaps in my life when he wasnt around.

bottom line is, after feeling repressed and suppressed for so long, how do i brake out of it...be in control...& be an assertive, upright, confident guy like i want to be ?

with my dad not only do i feel controlled by him, but its like im worried for being assertive...telling him my true feelings, because ive always been worried about hurting his feelings.

i feel really angry & enraged with myself when i feel i cant assert.

im 30 years old so this is why i feel so bad about myself for not being able to assert or being frightened to express and assert

Wow, it's amazing how often I am now meeting people who have shared the same life experiences as I have now that I am getting older. I will be 26 in a few months, and I feel for you as I know wher eyou are coming from.

When it comes to your personaility and being submissive and letting people control you, etc., however, we are exactly the opposite. I tend to be the controlling one, the agressive one. I am very assertive and tend to get angry and agressive if I don't see things are going the way I want them to. My dad was very much like your dad - I was adopted into this family permanently when I was 7-years old, and while I didn't experience anymore pshysical abuse after I came here to live, I dealt with plenty emotional, verbal, mental and sexual abuse starting around the time I turned 8. I still have problems dealing with it sometimes - There are the nightmares and the inability to let people into my personal space (I refuse to let people hug me...my fiance tries to hug me a lot which doesn't go over well as you can imagine, but my own mother can't hug me either, so...).

I figure that it's hard for you to try and change yourself to get these character traits that you want to see in yourself because you want to do a complete 180. Of course it won't happen quickly and it will take lots of hard work. You should probably see a doctor and talk things out with them. Let them give you some advice and help you deal with some of these things you have had to deal with in your life and maybe get over some things you don't even realize you haven't gotten over yet. It doesn't have to be a psychiatrist because it doesn't seem from what I am reading that you want to be put on medication, but there is no harm in seeing a psychologist, or just seeking out a therapist in your area.

I don't know your financial situation, but I'll just throw you a couple of ideas that I know from personal experience. Check with your local Department of Health and Human Resources - they should be able to give you some information on therapists or psychologists in your immediate area. Also, look into your local United Way. Here in WV, they offer different types of therapy in their offices - with certified therapists rather than psychologists - that can help you deal with all of the abuse you've been through and help you learn to build up your self-esteem and learn how to assert yourself more. Once you start doing those things, the other things will probably just tumble into place one after the other (I can't promise that's how it will work though, so don't quote me on that please!!!).

My only recommendation about finding a therapist is this - make sure that when you find one, you are completely and totally comfortable with him or her. If you aren't comfortable, you won't be open to sharing everything you need to, and you can't get help with everything you need to when you are unable to share openly. If you have to go through 4 or 5 or however many it takes to find yourself one that you really like and that you feel very comfortable with, then you just search until you find him or her. Just don't get discouraged and quit too quickly because the perfect match to help you is out there. If you need help with anything else, feel free to send me an email and I'll try to help you out the best I can.

Now, do me one small favor and repeat this every single day when you start to feel down and out about yourself -
I AM NOT A VICTIM, I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
(Something I learned in therapy at one time...you'd be surprised how much it can make a difference when you feel low or miserable or start blaming yourself for things you had no control over...just remember to repeat it over and over if you have to). Good luck to you.

see a psychitrist for yourself. the first step to get help is to admit you need it. you have. check with your doctor or local health department they usually can refer you to a low or no cost facility for outpatient treatment or counsiling.

You helped me i'll help you!

Your stronger than this!! Your alive after all you've suffered!

If there is a god he would welcome you to heaven with open arms when you eventulley die in your sleep a very old man i mean 103 or summit like that very old!

Keep telling yourself your strong!

You've been helping people on this site you can overcome your fathers control!

I'm, here if you wanna talk .xxx

I am going through the exact same thing, Only I am 15 and I just cant seem to feel confident or work with other people

I have pretended my father is dead for about 20 years now. He still p's me off. I too was abused as you were i dont trust much and although i come across as confident it is a mask.

Start working out, make a fresh new start. DON'T listen to anyone but yourself.

You say you can't be assertive, and people take control of you. There is only one way that can happen, you let people control you. Next time when someone makes you do something, say "No", do what you want.

Your dad can't tell you what to do, at 18 you are considered an adult, and free to make your own choices, if your dad feels he is the one that makes your choices just be assertive, and do what you believe you want to do, even if he tells you not to, its your decision, just be aware of any consequences of making a bad decision.

I also said start working out, because if people bully you and push you around you should be able to show them that you're not weak, and if there is fighting you should be able to fight back. Also people are intimidated by someone strong-looking, so they won't try to make you do anything.

yes, i can relate

I've noticed that most all of your questions are centered around your father, your feelings, and how unsatisfied you are with how you are now at age 30. I know that I would love to be able to help you make this situation all better and have you feeling well and strong about yourself. But honestly, I can't do that. Have you gone to a professional to work on any of this? From the depths of my heart, I think it is the best thing you could do towards properly dealing with these issues. There are morons on here sometimes who would not think twice to give you the wrong advice on purpose just to sound off and have sick fun at your expense. That isn't what you need at all. I am truly concerned and I feel your pain. I just don't know what to do to help you. Please know that I care, although that isn't enough. Check in to some private counseling and work on these issues so you can finally learn to stand on your own with pride and self confidence. You will be so very glad you did.

Are you in therapy? It really helps alot to work through theses feelings and change them. Bottom line is you have to fully own your worth. You are just as worthy/ valuable as anyone else on this planet and you deserve to be treated with mutual respect and consideration in all of your relationships. If you have a relationship where you are still being suppressed or repressed, you need to walk away and connect with healthier people who will not use your challenges against you!