BF has ADD. Should I tell him that I'm researching how to cope w/being in a relationship w/ an ADD partner?

My bf has ADD. We're going through a rough patch right now and I'm taking it upon myself to try and understand him better. I've researched the traits and problems of ADD before, but never looked into how it effects relationships. So my question is...is it a good idea to let him know that I am analyzing the situation and am trying to better understand the dynamics of our relationship? I feel that he may take it the wrong way and feel even worse about himself. (It would be great to get some answers from men who struggle with ADD)

I'm sorry. What did you say? I wasn't paying attention.

I have a good friend who is ADHD and he is very difficult. Definately do your research. I wouldn't tell him tough. There are some great resources out there to help you cope. He could also consider medication.

I definitly think you should tell him. He may be upset at first and not understand but you just need to tell him that you want your relationship to work and your doing everything you can to accomidate with his situation. Hopefully he'll feel the same way and work with you. Good luck

No, I think you should leave the diagnosis and treatment to this family and doctor. Perhaps he isn't healthy enough right now to be in a relationship at all. Maybe a relationship isn't a good idea for him until he gets himself sorted out.

I have ADD and have been going to doctors and support groups. At our support groups we jokingly laugh at how people around us says "you're not trying hard enough to fix your problems" or "why don't you just DO IT?" It was an eye opener for me to realize these things that I really wanted to do but couldn't , that I felt so much shame and guilt about wans't just a problem about "not trying hard enough" and that I needed to learn to live with it rather than trying to fix it.

My relationship with my wife is terrible. It's complex but I'm trying to understand myself, why I get angry and one of the reasons I realized is that I feel shame for these ADD traits and my wife is always picking on those traits as reasons for our bad relationships. It feels like being told to fix a physical handicapp such as blindness through "trying harder". I think we both have to accept this ADD and try to be creative in coping with it (put on glasses) rather than trying and failing again and again to fix it alltogether. We're far from getting there yet though...

That being said though, I do want to understand the dynamics of our relationship better. I think one of the biggest challenges for a person with ADD is to correctly understand other's feelings. I feel I am trying to respect my wife's feelings while she seems to think I am self centered and arrogant. I just don't get it sometimes but I am beginning to realize that I may be looking self centered and arrogant if looking from the outside even if I honestly am feeling the opposite. I still don't know myself if I would explode with anger or can calmly accept it if we discuss these things openly. I think the way we say it is important trying not to criticize the other. The thing that always get's me is being wrongly accused of "how I feel."

I've setup my profile to accept e-mail if you would like to contact me personally (although replying to e-mails is another challange for an ADDer...). It might be good for both of us if we could understand the other side of the world without the risk of ruining relationships. I'm interested in your research.